Winning Relationships: 6 key steps to successful relationships - Ben Renshaw
Some of the brightest researchers in psychology joined forces recently with one thing on their minds – the pursuit of happiness. Nick Bayliss, a lecturer in positive psychology at Cambridge University stated, “the single, most potent and richest source of happiness is the breadth and depth of our relationships.” He went on to say, “humans are highly social and craved the comfort of knowing they were valued members of a group that could share experiences and emotions.”
In my work as a coach I find that the majority of dilemmas people face usually result in either a relationship or communication issue, which once resolved enables them to get back on track with their lives. The following are 6 ideas that you can utilise for yourself and your clients designed to make the most of your relationships.
1. I respect myself and I respect you
"It was much later that I realized Dad’s secret. He gained respect by giving it. He talked and listened to the fourth-grade kids in Spring Valley the same way he talked and listened to a bishop or a college president. He was seriously interested in who you were and what you had to say."
Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot, Respect
Companies now have legal responsibilities to provide workplaces free from unfair discrimination, harassment, bullying and victimization. This also extends to employees getting together down the pub after work. It seems remarkable that treating people with respect has needed to become a legal issue at work – however once we understand the significance of mutual respect then it makes sense. Respect is at the heart of winning relationships. Without it there is no trust, people don’t listen to each other, and hidden agendas prevail. Taken to extremes there can be a breakdown in law and order as being respectful is one of the biggest unwritten rules for getting along. The following model about respect demonstrates the three positions that are held within a relationship:
I+U+ stands for I respect myself and I respect you.
Examples of respectful behaviour include listening, asking questions, being encouraging, and exhibiting open body language such as eye contact and upright posture. The types of outcomes achieved as a result of having mutual respect include a willingness to work together and go the extra mile, enjoyment, satisfaction and the ability to find win/win solutions.
I+U- stands for I respect myself more than I respect you.
This position is familiar in management systems where due to the pressure put on people there is a tendency to tell others what to do without listening or asking questions – commonly known as the JFDI school of management! The trouble with this dynamic is that although is may produce short-term results it will inevitably result in long-term feelings of resentment and lack of co-operation.
I-U+ stands for I respect myself less than I respect you.
This position is very British and is often considered polite. However the reality is that nodding heads and saying ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’ ultimately results in feelings of grievance, low self-esteem and prevents people from fulfilling their potential.
Decide now to demonstrate mutual respect in all your relationships. It’s relatively straightforward when things are going well – but when your back is up against the wall and the pressure is on it’s possible to lose it. At these times think about the potential price you’ll pay for devaluing a relationship. Although you may get away with it in the short-term, long-term there will be a breakdown in communication, co-operation and a failure to get winning results.
2. Listen to understand
“Understanding provides the glue in a relationship. Without understanding problems and conflict are guaranteed”.
Do you listen to understand, or wait to talk? Although I’m sure we all like to claim to be great listeners there is often a gap between our intention and action. The trouble is that in today’s manic society we live at such a pace, with so little time and space that listening often goes straight out the window.
Listening to understand is a paradigm shift from listening to impart advice and experience. This illustrates a clear distinction between a mentoring and coaching style of working with people. A mentor acts as the human fortune cookie dispensing wisdom on tap. This can be extremely valuable however it may take away from empowering a person because it prevents them from drawing on their own inner wisdom.
The key to listening to understand is to keep checking in with the other person to test understanding. You can do this by playing back what you have heard to ensure that you are both on the same page. As the receiver it is immensely helpful to hear back what you have just said as it often sheds greater clarity simply having your words reflected back.
3. Resolve conflict
The next time you are in a conflict situation, or you witness a conflict, observe what happens. People tend to raise their voices, fingers are pointed, staring contests are held and cutting each other off in mid-sentence is rife. No wonder it’s difficult to gain any resolution when so many unhelpful behaviours are being exhibited!
It can be hard to change all those behaviours in the heat of the moment because you are trying to hold your ground. A simple way to begin to move forward though is to replace the use of ‘but’ and ‘however’ with ‘and’. This act has a magical effect because it demonstrates a more open willingness to build on what has been said rather than cutting it down. For instance imagine a conflict situation in which person ‘A’ says, “This club doesn’t do enough to retain its’ members”, and person ‘B’ responds, “I see what you’re saying but there is a shortage of resources”. Then picture the same situation with the following response, person ‘A’ says, “This club doesn’t do enough to retain its’ members”, and this time person ‘B’ responds, “I see what you’re saying and there is a shortage of resources”. Immediately you can establish a bridge of understanding by changing one word.
4. Fill up your emotional bank account
In any relationship there exists an emotional bank account in which deposits and withdrawals are made. Deposits are behaviours such as listening, asking questions, being non-judgemental and supportive, providing constructive feedback, being encouraging and showing interest. Withdrawals on the other hand are behaviours which include blame, broken commitments, unclear boundaries and telling people what to do without seeking involvement. Once the emotional bank account becomes overdrawn we hit problems because there is no more good will to cater for the inevitable give and take necessary for a healthy relationship.
I witness this issue in all sorts of relationships. For instance I recently worked with a father who was having difficulties with his nine year old daughter. He claimed that she was being uncooperative, moody and needy. When I asked him about the deposits he had recently made in the relationship he admitted that due to working long hours and being exhausted when he got home, he had given her very little attention. Another situation involved an employee feeling resentful towards their manager. When I enquired why, it transpired that the manager had not said a single word to this employee in one week – and they only sat ten feet away from each other. All ‘communication’ was done by email. As long as a relationship has an overdrawn account problems will ensue.
Take the following relationship quiz to ensure that you fill up your emotional bank accounts:
* Who could I be listening to more?
* Who could I be spending more time with?
* Who could I be more honest with?
* Who could I be acknowledging more?
Use these questions on a regular basis to ensure that you are investing wisely.
5. Celebrate diversity
“Be careful what you label people, it may just come true!”
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the entire world were just like us! We tell ourselves that relationship problems stem from differences – yet if we really lived in a world where everybody was the same it would be so dull. Where do good new ideas come from? Differences. Where does creativity come from? Differences. How does development arise? Differences.
I love the following statement about diversity from an organisation I work with who promote a diversity culture: Diversity is about respecting, valuing, caring and having a greater awareness of others. It’s about having an inclusive culture, which encourages every employee to contribute to his or her full potential. It’s about understanding and celebrating differences in culture, race, gender, disability, ethnicity, age, religion, nationality, sexual orientation, beliefs, education, experience, opinions, thinking style and class.
Naturally a learning curve is required between having diversity as a goal and achieving it but the more we focus on the benefits gained from valuing differences the easier it becomes. Think about what your life would be like without the influence of different cultures on sport, travel, food, music, literature, movies, fashion and just about anything else. Ensure that you make a point of celebrating the diversity in your world.
6. Trust
“Success is about trust. Partnership is about trust. Business is about trust. Family is about trust. Without trust what have you got? Nothing.”
Do you remember the final scene in Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail? Mr Harrison Ford has worked hard to reach the precious treasure. Unfortunately he encounters a slight problem – a large chasm blocking his progress. He turns round to his father – who just happens to be Sean Connery (some people may think that Sean is the Holy Grail!) to ask for help. He says, ‘Dad what should I do?’ Sean replies, ‘Take a step’. As Indiana takes the step a bridge appears to carry him across. In fact the bridge was there all the time he just couldn’t see it. What was required was the trust to take the step in order to reach the treasure.
How often in your life have you been faced with a situation in which your trust was the vital ingredient to making it work? Each day we trust in so many ways that we don’t even consciously think about. We trust that our heart will continue to beat. We trust that our brains will continue to think. We trust that we will wake up in the morning. Yet if you’ve ever been let down, betrayed or rejected it often breaks down the trust we have in relationships.
Learn to trust again so that you can benefit from the richness relationships have to offer. See the best in people and you will draw it out of them. Recognise that people want to help each other so request support from others. Most importantly treat others the way you would like to be treated and you will create winning relationships.
Ben Renshaw is author of five books including Successful But Something Missing and The Secrets – 100 ways to have a great relationship. He is featured regularly in the British press and was the relationship expert for C4 programme Perfect Match.
This article was published in Spring 2004 edition of FitPro magazine, article by Ben Renshaw
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Friday, May 29, 2009
Buy Your Copy! A Gospel of Smiles
Buy Your Copy! A Gospel of Smiles
Victor Borge said,
There once was a monk who travelled from village to village, smiling. His name was Ananda, which translated means "joy" or "bliss". He had no home, no money and no possessions to speak of. He wore a saffron robe, some beads, and a wonderful smile which he gave away to everyone he met. So warm, so loving and so infectious was his smile, everyone would smile in his presence.
One day the monk met a boy, also called Ananda. The boy walked beside the monk along a winding path. He asked the monk, "Are you a holy man?" The monk smiled, "I am as holy as you are". The boy smiled. "Why do you not own anything?" he asked. "My smile is my own," the monk replied. "But what about money, a home, a horse?" asked the boy. "The world cannot give me my smile - my smile is between me and God," said the monk.
The boy and the monk walked along in silence. Eventually the boy asked, "Who are you, monk?" "I am the smile that went around the world," explained the monk, "and my gospel is a gospel of smiles."
"Tell me more of your gospel," said the boy.
"Happiness is heaven. And heaven is in your heart. You are born in heaven and you are born to be happy. Happiness is your gift to the world. When you are happy you glow. You live. You give. You are generous and kind. You find love. You give loving. You are love.
Above all, when you are happy you give all the things that appear to be missing whenever you are distressed," said the Monk.
The Monk went on, "Happiness suits us all. It brings out the best in us. Happiness is creative. You can create a whole new world out of joy. Happiness is attractive. You draw to you wonders of the world when you smile and mean it. Happiness is miraculous. It inspires love. It brings everything it touches to a full bloom."
"Do you always smile?" asked the boy. "Yes, even when I am asleep," laughed the monk. "How do you manage to smile always?" asked the boy. "Smiling is easy because I believe in happiness and I also believe in you," replied the monk. Now the monk and the boy were both smiling.
Told in Happiness Now! - New Hay House Edition
Victor Borge said,
There once was a monk who travelled from village to village, smiling. His name was Ananda, which translated means "joy" or "bliss". He had no home, no money and no possessions to speak of. He wore a saffron robe, some beads, and a wonderful smile which he gave away to everyone he met. So warm, so loving and so infectious was his smile, everyone would smile in his presence.
One day the monk met a boy, also called Ananda. The boy walked beside the monk along a winding path. He asked the monk, "Are you a holy man?" The monk smiled, "I am as holy as you are". The boy smiled. "Why do you not own anything?" he asked. "My smile is my own," the monk replied. "But what about money, a home, a horse?" asked the boy. "The world cannot give me my smile - my smile is between me and God," said the monk.
The boy and the monk walked along in silence. Eventually the boy asked, "Who are you, monk?" "I am the smile that went around the world," explained the monk, "and my gospel is a gospel of smiles."
"Tell me more of your gospel," said the boy.
"Happiness is heaven. And heaven is in your heart. You are born in heaven and you are born to be happy. Happiness is your gift to the world. When you are happy you glow. You live. You give. You are generous and kind. You find love. You give loving. You are love.
Above all, when you are happy you give all the things that appear to be missing whenever you are distressed," said the Monk.
The Monk went on, "Happiness suits us all. It brings out the best in us. Happiness is creative. You can create a whole new world out of joy. Happiness is attractive. You draw to you wonders of the world when you smile and mean it. Happiness is miraculous. It inspires love. It brings everything it touches to a full bloom."
"Do you always smile?" asked the boy. "Yes, even when I am asleep," laughed the monk. "How do you manage to smile always?" asked the boy. "Smiling is easy because I believe in happiness and I also believe in you," replied the monk. Now the monk and the boy were both smiling.
Told in Happiness Now! - New Hay House Edition
Monday, May 25, 2009
The Obstacle in Our Path
The Obstacle in Our Path
In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. On approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many others never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve one's condition.
- Unknown
A Room With a View
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. And every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the world outside. Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it for himself. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."
Epilogue...
There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can't buy.
Quote of the Day
Let us not be content to wait and see what will happen, but give us the determination to make the right things happen. -Peter Marshall
In ancient times, a king had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the king for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the big stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. On approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. As the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the king indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The peasant learned what many others never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve one's condition.
- Unknown
A Room With a View
Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back. The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation. And every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.
The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color of the rainbow. Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it in his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone. Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the world outside. Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it for himself. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."
Epilogue...
There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all of the things you have that money can't buy.
Quote of the Day
Let us not be content to wait and see what will happen, but give us the determination to make the right things happen. -Peter Marshall
Saturday, May 23, 2009
Grandfather's Letter
Grandfather's Letter
by Steve Brunkhorst
http://www.AchieveEzine.com
Keeping Your Eyes Wide Open: A Letter to a Grandson (C) AchieveEzine.comOne day, a young man was cleaning out his late grandfather's belongings when he came across a bright red envelope. Written on the front were the words, "To my grandson." Recognizing his grandfather's handwriting, the boy opened the envelope. A letter inside read:
Dear Ronny,
Years ago you came to me for help. You said, "Grandpa, how is it that you've accomplished so much in your life? You're still full of energy, and I'm already tired of struggling. How can I get that same enthusiasm that you've got?"
I didn't know what to say to you then. But knowing my days are numbered, I figure that I owe you an answer. So here is what I believe.
I think a lot of it has to do with how a person looks at things. I call it 'keeping your eyes wide open.'
First, realize that life is filled with surprises, but many are good ones. If you don't keep watching for them, you'll miss half the excitement. Expect to be thrilled once in a while, and you will be.
When you meet up with challenges, welcome them. They'll leave you wiser, stronger, and more capable than you were the day before. When you make a mistake, be grateful for the things it taught you. Resolve to use that lesson to help you reach your goals.
And always follow the rules. Even the little ones. When you follow the rules, life works. If you think you ever really get by with breaking the rules, you're only fooling yourself.
It's also important to decide exactly what you want. Then keep your mind focused on it, and be prepared to receive it.
But be ready to end up in some new places too. As you grow with the years, you'll be given bigger shoes to fill. So be ready for endings as well as challenging beginnings.
Sometimes we have to be brave enough to move from the familiar to the unfamiliar. Life isn't just reaching peaks. Part of it is moving from one peak to the next. If you rest too long in between, you might be tempted to quit. Leave the past in the past. Climb the next mountain and enjoy the view.
Dump things that weigh you down emotionally and spiritually. When an old resentment, belief, or attitude becomes heavy, lighten your load. Shed those hurtful attitudes that slow you down and drain your energy.
Remember that your choices will create your successes and your failures. So consider all the pathways ahead, and decide which ones to follow. Then believe in yourself, get up, and get going.
And be sure to take breaks once in a while. They'll give you a renewed commitment to your dreams and a cheerful, healthy perception of the things that matter the most to you.
Most important of all, never give up on yourself. The person that ends up a winner is the one who resolves to win. Give life everything you've got, and life will give its best back to you.
Love always,
Grandpa
© Copyright 2004-2007. Inspirational fiction by Steve Brunkhorst. All rights reserved worldwide.
About the Author: Steve is a professional life success coach, motivational author, and the editor of Achieve! 60-Second Nuggets of Inspiration, a popular ezine bringing great stories, motivational nuggets, and inspiring thoughts to help you achieve more in your career and personal life. Get the next issue by visiting http://achieveezine.com.
by Steve Brunkhorst
http://www.AchieveEzine.com
Keeping Your Eyes Wide Open: A Letter to a Grandson (C) AchieveEzine.comOne day, a young man was cleaning out his late grandfather's belongings when he came across a bright red envelope. Written on the front were the words, "To my grandson." Recognizing his grandfather's handwriting, the boy opened the envelope. A letter inside read:
Dear Ronny,
Years ago you came to me for help. You said, "Grandpa, how is it that you've accomplished so much in your life? You're still full of energy, and I'm already tired of struggling. How can I get that same enthusiasm that you've got?"
I didn't know what to say to you then. But knowing my days are numbered, I figure that I owe you an answer. So here is what I believe.
I think a lot of it has to do with how a person looks at things. I call it 'keeping your eyes wide open.'
First, realize that life is filled with surprises, but many are good ones. If you don't keep watching for them, you'll miss half the excitement. Expect to be thrilled once in a while, and you will be.
When you meet up with challenges, welcome them. They'll leave you wiser, stronger, and more capable than you were the day before. When you make a mistake, be grateful for the things it taught you. Resolve to use that lesson to help you reach your goals.
And always follow the rules. Even the little ones. When you follow the rules, life works. If you think you ever really get by with breaking the rules, you're only fooling yourself.
It's also important to decide exactly what you want. Then keep your mind focused on it, and be prepared to receive it.
But be ready to end up in some new places too. As you grow with the years, you'll be given bigger shoes to fill. So be ready for endings as well as challenging beginnings.
Sometimes we have to be brave enough to move from the familiar to the unfamiliar. Life isn't just reaching peaks. Part of it is moving from one peak to the next. If you rest too long in between, you might be tempted to quit. Leave the past in the past. Climb the next mountain and enjoy the view.
Dump things that weigh you down emotionally and spiritually. When an old resentment, belief, or attitude becomes heavy, lighten your load. Shed those hurtful attitudes that slow you down and drain your energy.
Remember that your choices will create your successes and your failures. So consider all the pathways ahead, and decide which ones to follow. Then believe in yourself, get up, and get going.
And be sure to take breaks once in a while. They'll give you a renewed commitment to your dreams and a cheerful, healthy perception of the things that matter the most to you.
Most important of all, never give up on yourself. The person that ends up a winner is the one who resolves to win. Give life everything you've got, and life will give its best back to you.
Love always,
Grandpa
© Copyright 2004-2007. Inspirational fiction by Steve Brunkhorst. All rights reserved worldwide.
About the Author: Steve is a professional life success coach, motivational author, and the editor of Achieve! 60-Second Nuggets of Inspiration, a popular ezine bringing great stories, motivational nuggets, and inspiring thoughts to help you achieve more in your career and personal life. Get the next issue by visiting http://achieveezine.com.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Inspirational Poetry
Inspirational Poetry
12 Mar 2006
My God, my Lord though crucified that day,
Did not despise nor seek to save Your face,
On those that led you on this brutal way,
That we ourselves might find salvation’s grace.
The thorns quite sharp were forced upon Your head,
And cutting deep, they pierced like sharpened pins,
And on Your holy face the tears they bled,
All this for man’s rebellion and grave sins.
Oh Lord, You cried out Abba, “Dost Thou see?”
The pain wracked agony that tears My bone,
Because of me You bore this misery,
That I might be with You one day alone.
For this I love You, let no man deny,
Your cross which on Golgotha lifted high.
Joe Pagano
StatCounter - Free Web Tracker and Counter
12 Mar 2006
My God, my Lord though crucified that day,
Did not despise nor seek to save Your face,
On those that led you on this brutal way,
That we ourselves might find salvation’s grace.
The thorns quite sharp were forced upon Your head,
And cutting deep, they pierced like sharpened pins,
And on Your holy face the tears they bled,
All this for man’s rebellion and grave sins.
Oh Lord, You cried out Abba, “Dost Thou see?”
The pain wracked agony that tears My bone,
Because of me You bore this misery,
That I might be with You one day alone.
For this I love You, let no man deny,
Your cross which on Golgotha lifted high.
Joe Pagano
StatCounter - Free Web Tracker and Counter
Saturday, May 16, 2009
DEATH COMPARISION WITH Sunset at S. Vicente cape, Sagres, Portugal
Sunset at S. Vicente cape, Sagres, Portugal
Sunset at S. Vicente cape, Sagres, Portugal
Photo Courtesy of F H Mira
I’ve greeted your sunrise with the beautiful sunset above.
Today is the first anniversary of my Mother’s death and transformation, so I thought an inspirational quote about death would be an interesting way to start off the morning.
In our society we don’t usually equate death with inspiration. A year ago I faced my mother’s death with dread but somehow, some when during that process my feelings turned more toward celebration. You’ll see why below.
Inspirational Quote of the Day
“The call of death is a call of love. Death can be sweet if we answer it in the affirmative, if we accept it as one of the great eternal forms of life and transformation.”
Source: Hermann Hesse
Death Can Be Sweet
Right Nick, this is suppose to be an inspirational quote! What’s so inspirational about death?
Well let me tell you.
A year ago today, my mother took her last breath around 10.30 A.M.
I firmly believe my Mother chose her time. For years she had slowly been loosing her vision. For a fiercely independent woman she now faced the prospect of some form of nursing care. For my mother that was not an option. She saw no virtue in swapping independence for life. Instead she chose death and transformation.
I watched along with the rest of my family, for about a month as she under went the transformation through death toward another form.
During that time magic happened all around us.
I can relate only a small fraction of the magic, the nurses and the extraordinary care she received, the people who came to visit and chat, the laughter that filled her room, they all contributed to something special in the air.
Mum found herself sharing a hospital room with a our next door neighbor in the Elm Grove Community where we crew up and came of age. Later another neighbor ended up in a room not far away and the visiting of all us “Kids” back and forth from one room to another as we all caught up and reminisced about our lives growing up in the old farming community where we all played together as kids.
Mum was in her glory through all of this, talking to the kids she’d watch grow up.
In her room there was a parade of coming and going, jokes and remembrances, that kept a twinkle in her eye.
Of course the whole family stayed with her. Even at nights there was one of us always by her side. One night we all had Fish and Chip dinners brought in and celebrated a feast of one of Mum’s favorite foods, even though she had little appetite left.
Even when she slipped into a final coma the laughter and the love still surrounded her.
Yes there were tears and sadness that beautiful April morning by those of us left behind
Yet her death was a celebration of a life well lived and a celebration of a gentle transformation to another state of existence.
I witnessed the transformation and felt privileged to do so. I felt part of the sweeping eternal transformation of life to death and death to life.
In the end that is why the call of death is a call of love, why death can be sweet if we understand and accept the breath taking beauty of life and the transformation.
Without death life could not exist. With out life we would not enjoy the opportunity to come to full consciousness of Joy, and Beauty and Love and the Magical Balance in the dance we are all dancing.
Today celebrate the moment, celebrate your time, celebrate the breath of air upon your skin. Speak your gratitude to all that is within your grasp and all that is unfolding before you.
I will see you in the quiet sunset on a darkening beech at the journey’s end, a smile upon my lips, and love in my eyes.
With Love.
Sunset at S. Vicente cape, Sagres, Portugal
Photo Courtesy of F H Mira
I’ve greeted your sunrise with the beautiful sunset above.
Today is the first anniversary of my Mother’s death and transformation, so I thought an inspirational quote about death would be an interesting way to start off the morning.
In our society we don’t usually equate death with inspiration. A year ago I faced my mother’s death with dread but somehow, some when during that process my feelings turned more toward celebration. You’ll see why below.
Inspirational Quote of the Day
“The call of death is a call of love. Death can be sweet if we answer it in the affirmative, if we accept it as one of the great eternal forms of life and transformation.”
Source: Hermann Hesse
Death Can Be Sweet
Right Nick, this is suppose to be an inspirational quote! What’s so inspirational about death?
Well let me tell you.
A year ago today, my mother took her last breath around 10.30 A.M.
I firmly believe my Mother chose her time. For years she had slowly been loosing her vision. For a fiercely independent woman she now faced the prospect of some form of nursing care. For my mother that was not an option. She saw no virtue in swapping independence for life. Instead she chose death and transformation.
I watched along with the rest of my family, for about a month as she under went the transformation through death toward another form.
During that time magic happened all around us.
I can relate only a small fraction of the magic, the nurses and the extraordinary care she received, the people who came to visit and chat, the laughter that filled her room, they all contributed to something special in the air.
Mum found herself sharing a hospital room with a our next door neighbor in the Elm Grove Community where we crew up and came of age. Later another neighbor ended up in a room not far away and the visiting of all us “Kids” back and forth from one room to another as we all caught up and reminisced about our lives growing up in the old farming community where we all played together as kids.
Mum was in her glory through all of this, talking to the kids she’d watch grow up.
In her room there was a parade of coming and going, jokes and remembrances, that kept a twinkle in her eye.
Of course the whole family stayed with her. Even at nights there was one of us always by her side. One night we all had Fish and Chip dinners brought in and celebrated a feast of one of Mum’s favorite foods, even though she had little appetite left.
Even when she slipped into a final coma the laughter and the love still surrounded her.
Yes there were tears and sadness that beautiful April morning by those of us left behind
Yet her death was a celebration of a life well lived and a celebration of a gentle transformation to another state of existence.
I witnessed the transformation and felt privileged to do so. I felt part of the sweeping eternal transformation of life to death and death to life.
In the end that is why the call of death is a call of love, why death can be sweet if we understand and accept the breath taking beauty of life and the transformation.
Without death life could not exist. With out life we would not enjoy the opportunity to come to full consciousness of Joy, and Beauty and Love and the Magical Balance in the dance we are all dancing.
Today celebrate the moment, celebrate your time, celebrate the breath of air upon your skin. Speak your gratitude to all that is within your grasp and all that is unfolding before you.
I will see you in the quiet sunset on a darkening beech at the journey’s end, a smile upon my lips, and love in my eyes.
With Love.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Prescribe Laughter because it's the best medicine
Prescribe Laughter because it's the best medicine
The medical profession is currently quite tickled by the concept of "Laughter medicine". Fascinating new research seems to be endorsing the ancient wisdom that laughter, happiness and a joyful heart are "jolly" good medicines!
Imagine the following scene: you are down to your last nerve, your muscles are cooked, your hair is clenched, you have lock-jaw, you can breathe in but you don’t feel much like breathing in, your heart beats only when it can find the time, and your head is auditioning for a part in High Anxiety!
You tell your doctor that life’s got it in for you, that you and God have a personality clash, and that you feel the Universe quite simply doesn’t want to involve you in its plans. Your doctor reaches for the pill pad, writes something, rips the sheet from the pad, and hands you a prescription not for tranquillisers or anti-depressants, but .......for laughter!
Does the idea of a Government-backed Laughter Clinic make you smile? Funnily enough, in September 1991, I had the joyful privilege of opening the doors to Britain’s first official Laughter Clinic. Two years after founding the first National Health Service Stress Buster Clinic, I had felt the time was right for a new approach - something radical, something fun, something even more life-enhancing - "If only I could bottle and prescribe laughter," I thought.
The Laughter Clinic Project is perhaps best described as, "a support group for joy"! The term, "Laughter medicine" is used as a playful metaphor for exploring central themes such as, "The Wisdom of Happiness", "The Psychology of Joy", "Releasing the Fun Child", "Happiness is a Way of Travelling", "The Therapeutic Power of Play", "The Joy of Stress", "Living Wonder-fully" and, of course, "Laughter the best medicine".
Over 10,000 doctors, nurses, psychologists and other health professionals have attended a training event involving The Happiness Project over the last six years. Modern medicine, so often accused of being over-chemical, over-technical, over-reductionist and over-preoccupied with illness, is showing a renewed willingness to explore the potential medicinal role of laughter, happiness, love, touch, music, play, tears and smiling, for instance, in health.
Intuitively, we know that laughter is good for us. Think for a moment how your body feels whenever you laugh or smile - words like "relaxed", "warm", "whole", "free" and "light hearted" often come to mind. Trust your inner-tuition! Laughter, happiness and a joyful heart really do offer a medicinal, therapeutic touch. It is as if health, happiness, humour and a sense of wholeness are a wonderful string quartet that plays a healing harmony and a marvellous melody.
"Internal Aerobics"
There is an old saying, "Your day goes the way the corners of your mouth turn"! Medical research has measured extensively the movements we make on our face and also our entire body when we smile and when we laugh. The research concludes that it is possible for all 600 muscles of the body to move during laughter - thus laughter has been playfully labelled by some as a form of "internal aerobics".
A joyful belly-laugh can exercise thoroughly the muscles, nerves and organs of the main torso. If you were able to sustain a belly-laugh for one full hour, you could laugh off as many as 500 calories! Why not try it - one full hour of "transcendental chuckling" to improve your fitness levels! Medical research also shows that whenever we laugh we release a wave of chemicals through the body including the endorphin hormone which is also released during healthy exercise. Endorphins ("of morphine") are the body’s natural pain-relaxant - they stimulate feelings of well-being, joy and "high".
Enough laughter will produce enough endorphins to guarantee a "high-impact" internal aerobic work-out!
"Relaxation and Play"
One of the mottoes of The Laughter Clinic Project is, "If you are too busy to laugh, you are too busy!" We instinctively turn to laughter whenever we require rest, relaxation and a release from tension. While we laugh, our whole body is exercised; after we finish laughing, our whole body begins to "lighten up" during an "after-glow" period in which we relax muscle tension, reduce stress in the nerves, massage the lungs, restore a full and flowing breathing pattern and gently expand our circulation once more.
Laughter is a cheap ozone-friendly form of energy of which the more of it is spent the more of it remains. Laughter is an impulse that beckons us to balance rush with rest, work with play, seriousness with fun, heavy with light. We don’t stop laughing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop laughing. The playwright, Moliere, put it this way: "Our minds need relaxation, and give way/ Unless we mix with work a little play".
"Light- Hearted"
In Proverbs 17:22 it is written, "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones". Since time immemorial, sages and physicians alike have advocated a "merry heart" as a perfect remedy for life’s lessons. For instance, the Greek poet, Pindar, wrote, "The best of healers is good cheer"; and, the poet, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote, "Joy, temperance and repose, Slam the door on the doctor’s nose."
It is fitting then that modern medical research should discover that laughter is a good medicine for the heart. The effect of laughter on the heart is rather like a vigorous massage. During laughter, the heart beat quickens and blood pressure rises; after laughter, both heart rate and blood pressure drop to a point that is lower than its initial resting rate. Laughter is a loving medicine.
"Happy Cells"
Perhaps the most exciting medical research on laughter is in the field of "psycho-neuro-immunology" which looks at the effect of the mind on the brain and on the immune system. This research shows that whereas suppressed anger or feelings of intense hatred or frustration, for instance, disturbs the natural, healthy functioning of the immune system, laughter, joy and happiness have been found to help boost the immune system.
The repeated research experiments of Dr Lee Berk at Loma Linda University School of Medicine, CA, shows that laughter, happiness and joy "inspire" the immune system to create white "T" cells, commonly called "happy cells", which help to prevent infection. The philosopher, Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, hit upon the idea of joyful immunity when he wrote, "Contentment preserves one even from catching cold. Has a woman who knew that she was well dressed ever caught a cold? - No, not even when she had scarcely a rag to her back!"
Comic Stress Relief
Dr Berk’s research work has also found that the "mirthful laughter experience", as he calls it, appears to reduce serum levels of cortisol, dopac, adrenaline and growth hormone, thereby creating a reverse effect to the classical hormone response during times of stress. Both physically and psychologically, it is as if laughter acts as a "safety valve" for the discharge of nervous energy.
Laughter can help us to wipe the slate clean in that it can inspire a fresh perception, a new way of thinking, a change of belief, and the revelation of previously unimagined possibilities. Laughter inspires lateral thinking. Laughter is also a good antidote to the over-seriousness that swells during times of stress and anxiety. Over-seriousness blows up problems; laughter blows them away! The psychologist and mystic, Alan Watts, once wrote, "The whole art of life is in knowing how to transform anxiety into laughter".
"The Shortest Distance"
Laughter can either serve to build barriers or bridges. In other words, sometimes people laugh when what the really need to do is cry. "Learn weeping and you shall gain laughing," goes an old saying. The "tears of a clown" syndrome of many comedians who are depressives suggests that laughter of itself is not enough - true health requires us to have an honest, loving respect for all the emotions. Let the whole symphony play!
At best, laughter helps to build bridges. Victor Borge, the American entertainer, once wrote, "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people". Whole-hearted laughter teaches love. inspires hope, preaches tolerance and encourages contact and communication. True humour inspires true humanity. The comedian, Alan Alda, put it another way: "when people are laughing, they’re generally not killing one another".
Keep Smiling!
A favourite motto of The Happiness Project is, "The most wasted day of all is a day in which we have not laughed". Whole-hearted laughter is a re-creation, a celebration, a creative impulse that encourages us to take the moment playfully. Laughter can transform an ordinary moment into something extraordinary; it can energise us and optimise us; it can conjure up a blessing from any burden. Above all, the spirit of laughter beckons us to live fully, now, this moment, today.
I will leave you now with five prescriptions, collectively called S.m.i.l.e., which are designed to encourage you to make today a little more enjoyable than you initially thought it was going to be. 1) S is for smile - donate a smile to a worthwhile cause today! Make an effort to be more friendly today, just for the fun of it. Keep smiling - it triggers curiosity! 2) M is for making mayonnaise, or any other dressing that turns something dull into something delightful! In other words, don’t wait for happiness to happen, make it happen. Take an ordinary moment and make it extraordinary. Some pursue happiness - others create it!
3) I is for impulse, innovation and the irregular. A brand new day is an opportunity to try a brand new way. Change a perception, alter a belief, entertain a new thought, communicate differently, act adventurously. "Each day the world is born anew/ For him who takes it rightly," wrote James Russell Lowell. 4) L is for the greatest dose of medicine of all, love. Let someone know that you love them today. 5) E is for enjoyment. When was the last time you went out to play? Indulge yourself, invest in yourself - give yourself something to smile about. Remember the old adage, "He [or she] who laughs, lasts!"
Never published!, article by Robert Holden
The medical profession is currently quite tickled by the concept of "Laughter medicine". Fascinating new research seems to be endorsing the ancient wisdom that laughter, happiness and a joyful heart are "jolly" good medicines!
Imagine the following scene: you are down to your last nerve, your muscles are cooked, your hair is clenched, you have lock-jaw, you can breathe in but you don’t feel much like breathing in, your heart beats only when it can find the time, and your head is auditioning for a part in High Anxiety!
You tell your doctor that life’s got it in for you, that you and God have a personality clash, and that you feel the Universe quite simply doesn’t want to involve you in its plans. Your doctor reaches for the pill pad, writes something, rips the sheet from the pad, and hands you a prescription not for tranquillisers or anti-depressants, but .......for laughter!
Does the idea of a Government-backed Laughter Clinic make you smile? Funnily enough, in September 1991, I had the joyful privilege of opening the doors to Britain’s first official Laughter Clinic. Two years after founding the first National Health Service Stress Buster Clinic, I had felt the time was right for a new approach - something radical, something fun, something even more life-enhancing - "If only I could bottle and prescribe laughter," I thought.
The Laughter Clinic Project is perhaps best described as, "a support group for joy"! The term, "Laughter medicine" is used as a playful metaphor for exploring central themes such as, "The Wisdom of Happiness", "The Psychology of Joy", "Releasing the Fun Child", "Happiness is a Way of Travelling", "The Therapeutic Power of Play", "The Joy of Stress", "Living Wonder-fully" and, of course, "Laughter the best medicine".
Over 10,000 doctors, nurses, psychologists and other health professionals have attended a training event involving The Happiness Project over the last six years. Modern medicine, so often accused of being over-chemical, over-technical, over-reductionist and over-preoccupied with illness, is showing a renewed willingness to explore the potential medicinal role of laughter, happiness, love, touch, music, play, tears and smiling, for instance, in health.
Intuitively, we know that laughter is good for us. Think for a moment how your body feels whenever you laugh or smile - words like "relaxed", "warm", "whole", "free" and "light hearted" often come to mind. Trust your inner-tuition! Laughter, happiness and a joyful heart really do offer a medicinal, therapeutic touch. It is as if health, happiness, humour and a sense of wholeness are a wonderful string quartet that plays a healing harmony and a marvellous melody.
"Internal Aerobics"
There is an old saying, "Your day goes the way the corners of your mouth turn"! Medical research has measured extensively the movements we make on our face and also our entire body when we smile and when we laugh. The research concludes that it is possible for all 600 muscles of the body to move during laughter - thus laughter has been playfully labelled by some as a form of "internal aerobics".
A joyful belly-laugh can exercise thoroughly the muscles, nerves and organs of the main torso. If you were able to sustain a belly-laugh for one full hour, you could laugh off as many as 500 calories! Why not try it - one full hour of "transcendental chuckling" to improve your fitness levels! Medical research also shows that whenever we laugh we release a wave of chemicals through the body including the endorphin hormone which is also released during healthy exercise. Endorphins ("of morphine") are the body’s natural pain-relaxant - they stimulate feelings of well-being, joy and "high".
Enough laughter will produce enough endorphins to guarantee a "high-impact" internal aerobic work-out!
"Relaxation and Play"
One of the mottoes of The Laughter Clinic Project is, "If you are too busy to laugh, you are too busy!" We instinctively turn to laughter whenever we require rest, relaxation and a release from tension. While we laugh, our whole body is exercised; after we finish laughing, our whole body begins to "lighten up" during an "after-glow" period in which we relax muscle tension, reduce stress in the nerves, massage the lungs, restore a full and flowing breathing pattern and gently expand our circulation once more.
Laughter is a cheap ozone-friendly form of energy of which the more of it is spent the more of it remains. Laughter is an impulse that beckons us to balance rush with rest, work with play, seriousness with fun, heavy with light. We don’t stop laughing because we grow old, we grow old because we stop laughing. The playwright, Moliere, put it this way: "Our minds need relaxation, and give way/ Unless we mix with work a little play".
"Light- Hearted"
In Proverbs 17:22 it is written, "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones". Since time immemorial, sages and physicians alike have advocated a "merry heart" as a perfect remedy for life’s lessons. For instance, the Greek poet, Pindar, wrote, "The best of healers is good cheer"; and, the poet, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote, "Joy, temperance and repose, Slam the door on the doctor’s nose."
It is fitting then that modern medical research should discover that laughter is a good medicine for the heart. The effect of laughter on the heart is rather like a vigorous massage. During laughter, the heart beat quickens and blood pressure rises; after laughter, both heart rate and blood pressure drop to a point that is lower than its initial resting rate. Laughter is a loving medicine.
"Happy Cells"
Perhaps the most exciting medical research on laughter is in the field of "psycho-neuro-immunology" which looks at the effect of the mind on the brain and on the immune system. This research shows that whereas suppressed anger or feelings of intense hatred or frustration, for instance, disturbs the natural, healthy functioning of the immune system, laughter, joy and happiness have been found to help boost the immune system.
The repeated research experiments of Dr Lee Berk at Loma Linda University School of Medicine, CA, shows that laughter, happiness and joy "inspire" the immune system to create white "T" cells, commonly called "happy cells", which help to prevent infection. The philosopher, Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, hit upon the idea of joyful immunity when he wrote, "Contentment preserves one even from catching cold. Has a woman who knew that she was well dressed ever caught a cold? - No, not even when she had scarcely a rag to her back!"
Comic Stress Relief
Dr Berk’s research work has also found that the "mirthful laughter experience", as he calls it, appears to reduce serum levels of cortisol, dopac, adrenaline and growth hormone, thereby creating a reverse effect to the classical hormone response during times of stress. Both physically and psychologically, it is as if laughter acts as a "safety valve" for the discharge of nervous energy.
Laughter can help us to wipe the slate clean in that it can inspire a fresh perception, a new way of thinking, a change of belief, and the revelation of previously unimagined possibilities. Laughter inspires lateral thinking. Laughter is also a good antidote to the over-seriousness that swells during times of stress and anxiety. Over-seriousness blows up problems; laughter blows them away! The psychologist and mystic, Alan Watts, once wrote, "The whole art of life is in knowing how to transform anxiety into laughter".
"The Shortest Distance"
Laughter can either serve to build barriers or bridges. In other words, sometimes people laugh when what the really need to do is cry. "Learn weeping and you shall gain laughing," goes an old saying. The "tears of a clown" syndrome of many comedians who are depressives suggests that laughter of itself is not enough - true health requires us to have an honest, loving respect for all the emotions. Let the whole symphony play!
At best, laughter helps to build bridges. Victor Borge, the American entertainer, once wrote, "Laughter is the shortest distance between two people". Whole-hearted laughter teaches love. inspires hope, preaches tolerance and encourages contact and communication. True humour inspires true humanity. The comedian, Alan Alda, put it another way: "when people are laughing, they’re generally not killing one another".
Keep Smiling!
A favourite motto of The Happiness Project is, "The most wasted day of all is a day in which we have not laughed". Whole-hearted laughter is a re-creation, a celebration, a creative impulse that encourages us to take the moment playfully. Laughter can transform an ordinary moment into something extraordinary; it can energise us and optimise us; it can conjure up a blessing from any burden. Above all, the spirit of laughter beckons us to live fully, now, this moment, today.
I will leave you now with five prescriptions, collectively called S.m.i.l.e., which are designed to encourage you to make today a little more enjoyable than you initially thought it was going to be. 1) S is for smile - donate a smile to a worthwhile cause today! Make an effort to be more friendly today, just for the fun of it. Keep smiling - it triggers curiosity! 2) M is for making mayonnaise, or any other dressing that turns something dull into something delightful! In other words, don’t wait for happiness to happen, make it happen. Take an ordinary moment and make it extraordinary. Some pursue happiness - others create it!
3) I is for impulse, innovation and the irregular. A brand new day is an opportunity to try a brand new way. Change a perception, alter a belief, entertain a new thought, communicate differently, act adventurously. "Each day the world is born anew/ For him who takes it rightly," wrote James Russell Lowell. 4) L is for the greatest dose of medicine of all, love. Let someone know that you love them today. 5) E is for enjoyment. When was the last time you went out to play? Indulge yourself, invest in yourself - give yourself something to smile about. Remember the old adage, "He [or she] who laughs, lasts!"
Never published!, article by Robert Holden
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Self-Healing; World-Healing
Self-Healing; World-Healing
One lazy Sunday afternoon a businessman was hard at work entertaining a potential client at his home. The businessman had a young son of about six years old, called David, who would occasionally run in, full of energy, and inadvertently disturb the proceedings.
David was bored. It was raining. Mum was out. His best friend had flu again. He expected Daddy and his friend might like to play a game of something either now, soon, or some time later (like in five minutes or so).
Each time David came into the room his father gave him something from the table to go away and play with: first a pen, then a calculator, then a paperweight and then the Financial Times. Finally, David was reprimanded.
A little while later David was back again, but this time his father was well prepared. On the table was an A4 full-colour picture of the world which he had deliberately torn into a hundred small pieces so that the world was a complete mess and barely recognisable. He then gave David a roll of sticky tape and asked him to play with the world until he had stuck it all back together again. That, surely, was the end of David!
Much to his father’s astonishment, David returned after about five minutes with the picture of the world complete again. "How on earth did you manage that so quickly, and so well?" asked his father. David smiled, "On the back of the picture of the world I had already drawn a big picture of myself, and when I put myself together the world came together also."
True healing begins with an awareness that the world is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind - a four dimensional representation of your current thinking. Therefore, the greatest contribution you can make to world peace is to restore personal peace of mind, and the greatest act of healing you can perform for another is to forgive and heal yourself. We are never healed alone.
With sensory perception, it appears the world is infinite and we are small, the world is eternal and we are temporal, the world is strong and we are weak. With spiritual insight, we begin to understand that the world merely "mirrors" our mind - it is a mirror, and in truth it is us that is infinite, eternal, strong. We can train the world, moment by moment, to reflect for us our Loving Presence, by being loving, giving love, receiving love.
The world says to us in each moment, "Here is your state of mind - Have a nice day!" We are witnessing either love, or, a call for love. In the moments when we experience pain, hurt, separation, fear, we can attempt either, 1) to fix the mirror, or, 2) forgive ourselves, love ourselves, pray for a new perception. Self-healing is world-healing.
First published in "The Miracle Worker" 1996, article by Robert Holden
One lazy Sunday afternoon a businessman was hard at work entertaining a potential client at his home. The businessman had a young son of about six years old, called David, who would occasionally run in, full of energy, and inadvertently disturb the proceedings.
David was bored. It was raining. Mum was out. His best friend had flu again. He expected Daddy and his friend might like to play a game of something either now, soon, or some time later (like in five minutes or so).
Each time David came into the room his father gave him something from the table to go away and play with: first a pen, then a calculator, then a paperweight and then the Financial Times. Finally, David was reprimanded.
A little while later David was back again, but this time his father was well prepared. On the table was an A4 full-colour picture of the world which he had deliberately torn into a hundred small pieces so that the world was a complete mess and barely recognisable. He then gave David a roll of sticky tape and asked him to play with the world until he had stuck it all back together again. That, surely, was the end of David!
Much to his father’s astonishment, David returned after about five minutes with the picture of the world complete again. "How on earth did you manage that so quickly, and so well?" asked his father. David smiled, "On the back of the picture of the world I had already drawn a big picture of myself, and when I put myself together the world came together also."
True healing begins with an awareness that the world is nothing more than a reflection of your state of mind - a four dimensional representation of your current thinking. Therefore, the greatest contribution you can make to world peace is to restore personal peace of mind, and the greatest act of healing you can perform for another is to forgive and heal yourself. We are never healed alone.
With sensory perception, it appears the world is infinite and we are small, the world is eternal and we are temporal, the world is strong and we are weak. With spiritual insight, we begin to understand that the world merely "mirrors" our mind - it is a mirror, and in truth it is us that is infinite, eternal, strong. We can train the world, moment by moment, to reflect for us our Loving Presence, by being loving, giving love, receiving love.
The world says to us in each moment, "Here is your state of mind - Have a nice day!" We are witnessing either love, or, a call for love. In the moments when we experience pain, hurt, separation, fear, we can attempt either, 1) to fix the mirror, or, 2) forgive ourselves, love ourselves, pray for a new perception. Self-healing is world-healing.
First published in "The Miracle Worker" 1996, article by Robert Holden
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
Living to the Extreme
Living to the Extreme
No Wimps
© Debbie Porter - 17th January, 2005
You can keep your bungee jumping
And your paragliding too!
As for jumping out of planes –
What a silly thing to do!
I'm not into things so risky;
I don't want my neck to break.
So I'll keep both feet on earth
I don't really want to ache.
But even though I'm pretty tame,
Avoiding dicey acts,
When it comes to faith in Jesus,
I will live life to the max!
~ Debbie Porter ~
There was a time in my life when the word "unicycle" simply brought to mind images of clowns and jugglers, together with the tinny pipe organ melody of circuses everywhere ... "do-do-doodle-oodle-oo-do-do-dooo.."
Yes, it wasn't all that long ago that the sight of someone on a unicycle would have caused me to do a double-take, and then wait to see if there was a show about to start.
Back then I even would have had a tiny chuckle if some "witty" soul had called out something like, "Never mind. Maybe Santa will bring you the other wheel next year!"
Or perhaps the classic, "Awww ... couldn't you afford the other wheel?"
But that all changed when our 17-year-old son, Matt, became hooked on unicycling.
Originally I thought that he wanted it to ride around the streets and just have a bit of fun. Silly me! Back then, six whole months ago, I hadn't realized that a new sport was emerging – Extreme Unicycling.
Now stop laughing – it really is one of the latest things to go "extreme" and I have to say that some of the things these fledgling unicyclist enthusiasts do, are enough to send a mother's hair white and her heartbeat racing!
They jump up things, and they jump down things – high things. They balance on precarious ledges and they grind down rails on their cranks. They walk their wheels and they glide down hills. They spin, twist and turn ... oh and yes, they do also occasionally just ride them.
They also wear things out rather quickly – both parts of their uni's as well as parts of themselves and their clothing! Even so, virtually nothing will stop them from heading back out to ride again.
My son used to be such a conventional boy – happy to watch anime or play video games. Then something happened and he went just a little "extreme." Don't get me wrong though ... he's still a terrific teenager and a great kid, but his interests have definitely developed a bit of an edge.
I now know that unicycles are not purely the domain of those with circus skills. I also know that it is not cool to hum, whistle or sing circus tunes when a unicyclist glides by. I also now know that the quickest way to aggravate a uni rider is to call out one of those very unoriginal jokes of the wheel challenged variety. The only thing I don't know, or even vaguely understand, is what the appeal is ... but then, I'm not a teenage male.
Matt is now onto his third unicycle, having discovered the limitations of the first two "cheaper" ones when it comes to his extreme expectations. When the courier delivered his dream cycle last week, he was over the moon. Even so, later that same evening I heard these words come out of his mouth...
"You know, I really wouldn't mind getting a mountain bike one day ... you can get the speed on them to really get the height and be able to jump.
Knowing how much he had spent to date on unicycles and parts, I was very quick to say, "MATTHEW! You've only just got your new uni, and now you're talking about getting ANOTHER bike? Do you REALLY want another way to hurt yourself?"
With a laugh, Matt assured me that he was talking about much later ... but I could see that look in his eye. The seed was planted and it would start growing over the weeks and months ahead.
"Why don't you take up some sort of nice craft?" I suggested, in mock exasperation. "You know, something like Extreme Cross-stitch, or Extreme Art?"
Again, my son laughed and made the comment that it would probably be a lot cheaper – something I seriously doubted, when I considered the size of the cross-stitch stash pile in the corner of my bedroom.
As Matt continued to extol the virtues of unicycling and mountain bike riding, I slipped into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Opening the packet of toothpaste, I noticed that this new brand had obviously decided to jump on the bandwagon too.
Brandishing the flashy, techno-bright tube of paste toward my rambling son, I mumbled through a mouth full of foam, "Hey, how 'bout Exthtreme Toothbruthing? Now there'th a thafe thport!"
Yes ... believe it or not, the new variety was called, "EXTREME Clean."
For some reason, there seems to be an ever-growing need for many young people to prove themselves in some way by attempting things that are beyond normal limits or expectations – to extend themselves to the utmost boundaries, and then beyond.
I still don't get it ... yet, the passion and enthusiasm they show in their desire to take a sport to the extreme is something I wouldn't mind. Although having said that, I really don't have any desire to try Extreme Unicycling in any way shape or form – although Matt does keep trying to talk me into hopping on and having a go.
Strangely enough, I don't think the Lord really wants me to do anything that may leave me in traction for the next few months. However, I do believe He wants me to be extreme in other ways; I believe He does want me to live an extreme life of faith in Him.
The danger with saying that is that some will immediately think of those people who are best described as "extremists" – people who take things way beyond God's plan, purpose and expectation for their lives, becoming legalistic to the point of graceless rigidity. That is extreme religiousness, when in fact we are called to live extreme faith in Christ, putting Him first in everything we do and say.
Extreme faith is being able to say as Paul did, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21 NIV)
It is to hear the words of our Savior, who said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." (Matthew 16:24 NIV)
Jesus never said that following Him was an easy choice. He lived an "extreme" life during his 33 years as a man on this earth. He calls us to do the same, and gives us the strength and ability to do just that. All He asks is that we be willing to take the first extreme step in his footsteps...
Then another...
And another...
Until we finally hear those words, "Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!" (Matthew 25:21 NIV)
We have the opportunity to live in God's extreme love, extreme joy, extreme peace, extreme mercy and extreme grace, every single day of our lives – which, to my way of thinking, makes perfect sense...
...and a whole lot more than extreme unicycling!
* * *
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
~ Galatians 2:20 NIV ~
No Wimps
© Debbie Porter - 17th January, 2005
You can keep your bungee jumping
And your paragliding too!
As for jumping out of planes –
What a silly thing to do!
I'm not into things so risky;
I don't want my neck to break.
So I'll keep both feet on earth
I don't really want to ache.
But even though I'm pretty tame,
Avoiding dicey acts,
When it comes to faith in Jesus,
I will live life to the max!
~ Debbie Porter ~
There was a time in my life when the word "unicycle" simply brought to mind images of clowns and jugglers, together with the tinny pipe organ melody of circuses everywhere ... "do-do-doodle-oodle-oo-do-do-dooo.."
Yes, it wasn't all that long ago that the sight of someone on a unicycle would have caused me to do a double-take, and then wait to see if there was a show about to start.
Back then I even would have had a tiny chuckle if some "witty" soul had called out something like, "Never mind. Maybe Santa will bring you the other wheel next year!"
Or perhaps the classic, "Awww ... couldn't you afford the other wheel?"
But that all changed when our 17-year-old son, Matt, became hooked on unicycling.
Originally I thought that he wanted it to ride around the streets and just have a bit of fun. Silly me! Back then, six whole months ago, I hadn't realized that a new sport was emerging – Extreme Unicycling.
Now stop laughing – it really is one of the latest things to go "extreme" and I have to say that some of the things these fledgling unicyclist enthusiasts do, are enough to send a mother's hair white and her heartbeat racing!
They jump up things, and they jump down things – high things. They balance on precarious ledges and they grind down rails on their cranks. They walk their wheels and they glide down hills. They spin, twist and turn ... oh and yes, they do also occasionally just ride them.
They also wear things out rather quickly – both parts of their uni's as well as parts of themselves and their clothing! Even so, virtually nothing will stop them from heading back out to ride again.
My son used to be such a conventional boy – happy to watch anime or play video games. Then something happened and he went just a little "extreme." Don't get me wrong though ... he's still a terrific teenager and a great kid, but his interests have definitely developed a bit of an edge.
I now know that unicycles are not purely the domain of those with circus skills. I also know that it is not cool to hum, whistle or sing circus tunes when a unicyclist glides by. I also now know that the quickest way to aggravate a uni rider is to call out one of those very unoriginal jokes of the wheel challenged variety. The only thing I don't know, or even vaguely understand, is what the appeal is ... but then, I'm not a teenage male.
Matt is now onto his third unicycle, having discovered the limitations of the first two "cheaper" ones when it comes to his extreme expectations. When the courier delivered his dream cycle last week, he was over the moon. Even so, later that same evening I heard these words come out of his mouth...
"You know, I really wouldn't mind getting a mountain bike one day ... you can get the speed on them to really get the height and be able to jump.
Knowing how much he had spent to date on unicycles and parts, I was very quick to say, "MATTHEW! You've only just got your new uni, and now you're talking about getting ANOTHER bike? Do you REALLY want another way to hurt yourself?"
With a laugh, Matt assured me that he was talking about much later ... but I could see that look in his eye. The seed was planted and it would start growing over the weeks and months ahead.
"Why don't you take up some sort of nice craft?" I suggested, in mock exasperation. "You know, something like Extreme Cross-stitch, or Extreme Art?"
Again, my son laughed and made the comment that it would probably be a lot cheaper – something I seriously doubted, when I considered the size of the cross-stitch stash pile in the corner of my bedroom.
As Matt continued to extol the virtues of unicycling and mountain bike riding, I slipped into the bathroom to brush my teeth. Opening the packet of toothpaste, I noticed that this new brand had obviously decided to jump on the bandwagon too.
Brandishing the flashy, techno-bright tube of paste toward my rambling son, I mumbled through a mouth full of foam, "Hey, how 'bout Exthtreme Toothbruthing? Now there'th a thafe thport!"
Yes ... believe it or not, the new variety was called, "EXTREME Clean."
For some reason, there seems to be an ever-growing need for many young people to prove themselves in some way by attempting things that are beyond normal limits or expectations – to extend themselves to the utmost boundaries, and then beyond.
I still don't get it ... yet, the passion and enthusiasm they show in their desire to take a sport to the extreme is something I wouldn't mind. Although having said that, I really don't have any desire to try Extreme Unicycling in any way shape or form – although Matt does keep trying to talk me into hopping on and having a go.
Strangely enough, I don't think the Lord really wants me to do anything that may leave me in traction for the next few months. However, I do believe He wants me to be extreme in other ways; I believe He does want me to live an extreme life of faith in Him.
The danger with saying that is that some will immediately think of those people who are best described as "extremists" – people who take things way beyond God's plan, purpose and expectation for their lives, becoming legalistic to the point of graceless rigidity. That is extreme religiousness, when in fact we are called to live extreme faith in Christ, putting Him first in everything we do and say.
Extreme faith is being able to say as Paul did, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." (Philippians 1:21 NIV)
It is to hear the words of our Savior, who said, "If anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." (Matthew 16:24 NIV)
Jesus never said that following Him was an easy choice. He lived an "extreme" life during his 33 years as a man on this earth. He calls us to do the same, and gives us the strength and ability to do just that. All He asks is that we be willing to take the first extreme step in his footsteps...
Then another...
And another...
Until we finally hear those words, "Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge of many things. Come and share your master's happiness!" (Matthew 25:21 NIV)
We have the opportunity to live in God's extreme love, extreme joy, extreme peace, extreme mercy and extreme grace, every single day of our lives – which, to my way of thinking, makes perfect sense...
...and a whole lot more than extreme unicycling!
* * *
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."
~ Galatians 2:20 NIV ~
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
find inspiration A Simple Gesture
A Simple Gesture
Mark was walking home from school one day when he noticed the boy ahead of him had tripped and dropped all of the books he was carrying, along with two sweaters, a baseball bat, a glove and a small tape recorder. Mark knelt down and helped the boy pick up the scattered articles. Since they were going the same way, he helped to carry part of the burden. As they walked Mark discovered the boy's name was Bill, that he loved video games, baseball and history, and that he was having lots of trouble with his other subjects and that he had just broken up with his girlfriend. They arrived at Bill's home first and Mark was invited in for a Coke and to watch some television. The afternoon passed pleasantly with a few laughs and some shared small talk, then Mark went home. They continued to see each other around school, had lunch together once or twice, then both graduated from junior high school. They ended up in the same high school where they had brief contacts over the years. Finally the long awaited senior year came and three weeks before graduation, Bill asked Mark if they could talk.
Bill reminded him of the day years ago when they had first met. "Did you ever wonder why I was carrying so many things home that day?" asked Bill. "You see, I cleaned out my locker because I didn't want to leave a mess for anyone else. I had stored away some of my mothers sleeping pills and I was going home to commit suicide. But after we spent some time together talking and laughing, I realized that if I had killed myself, I would have missed that time and so many others that might follow. So you see, Mark, when you picked up those books that day, you did a lot more, you saved my life."
-John W. Schlatter (true story)
Shake It Off And Step Up
A parable is told of a farmer who owned an old mule. The mule fell into the farmer's well. The farmer heard the mule 'braying' - or - whatever mules do when they fall into wells. After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving. Instead, he called his neighbors together and told them what had happened...and enlisted them to help haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery.
Initially, the old mule was hysterical! But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back...a thought struck him. It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back...HE SHOULD SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP! This he did, blow after blow.
"Shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up!" he repeated to encourage himself. No matter how painful the blows, or distressing the situation seemed the old mule fought "panic" and just kept right on SHAKING IT OFF AND STEPPING UP!
You're right! It wasn't long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, STEPPED TRIUMPHANTLY OVER THE WALL OF THAT WELL! What seemed like it would bury him, actually blessed him...all because of the manner in which he handled his adversity.
THAT'S LIFE! If we face our problems and respond to them positively, and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness, or self-pity...THE ADVERSITIES THAT COME ALONG TO BURY US USUALLY HAVE WITHIN THEM THE POTENTIAL TO BENEFIT AND BLESS US! Remember that FORGIVENESS--FAITH--PRAYER-- PRAISE and HOPE...all are excellent ways to "SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP" out of the wells in which we find ourselves!
- Author Unknown
Quote of the Day
Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. -John Wooden
Mark was walking home from school one day when he noticed the boy ahead of him had tripped and dropped all of the books he was carrying, along with two sweaters, a baseball bat, a glove and a small tape recorder. Mark knelt down and helped the boy pick up the scattered articles. Since they were going the same way, he helped to carry part of the burden. As they walked Mark discovered the boy's name was Bill, that he loved video games, baseball and history, and that he was having lots of trouble with his other subjects and that he had just broken up with his girlfriend. They arrived at Bill's home first and Mark was invited in for a Coke and to watch some television. The afternoon passed pleasantly with a few laughs and some shared small talk, then Mark went home. They continued to see each other around school, had lunch together once or twice, then both graduated from junior high school. They ended up in the same high school where they had brief contacts over the years. Finally the long awaited senior year came and three weeks before graduation, Bill asked Mark if they could talk.
Bill reminded him of the day years ago when they had first met. "Did you ever wonder why I was carrying so many things home that day?" asked Bill. "You see, I cleaned out my locker because I didn't want to leave a mess for anyone else. I had stored away some of my mothers sleeping pills and I was going home to commit suicide. But after we spent some time together talking and laughing, I realized that if I had killed myself, I would have missed that time and so many others that might follow. So you see, Mark, when you picked up those books that day, you did a lot more, you saved my life."
-John W. Schlatter (true story)
Shake It Off And Step Up
A parable is told of a farmer who owned an old mule. The mule fell into the farmer's well. The farmer heard the mule 'braying' - or - whatever mules do when they fall into wells. After carefully assessing the situation, the farmer sympathized with the mule, but decided that neither the mule nor the well was worth the trouble of saving. Instead, he called his neighbors together and told them what had happened...and enlisted them to help haul dirt to bury the old mule in the well and put him out of his misery.
Initially, the old mule was hysterical! But as the farmer and his neighbors continued shoveling and the dirt hit his back...a thought struck him. It suddenly dawned on him that every time a shovel load of dirt landed on his back...HE SHOULD SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP! This he did, blow after blow.
"Shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up...shake it off and step up!" he repeated to encourage himself. No matter how painful the blows, or distressing the situation seemed the old mule fought "panic" and just kept right on SHAKING IT OFF AND STEPPING UP!
You're right! It wasn't long before the old mule, battered and exhausted, STEPPED TRIUMPHANTLY OVER THE WALL OF THAT WELL! What seemed like it would bury him, actually blessed him...all because of the manner in which he handled his adversity.
THAT'S LIFE! If we face our problems and respond to them positively, and refuse to give in to panic, bitterness, or self-pity...THE ADVERSITIES THAT COME ALONG TO BURY US USUALLY HAVE WITHIN THEM THE POTENTIAL TO BENEFIT AND BLESS US! Remember that FORGIVENESS--FAITH--PRAYER-- PRAISE and HOPE...all are excellent ways to "SHAKE IT OFF AND STEP UP" out of the wells in which we find ourselves!
- Author Unknown
Quote of the Day
Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. -John Wooden
Monday, May 11, 2009
Winning Relationships: 6 key steps to successful relationships - Ben Renshaw
Winning Relationships: 6 key steps to successful relationships - Ben Renshaw
Some of the brightest researchers in psychology joined forces recently with one thing on their minds – the pursuit of happiness. Nick Bayliss, a lecturer in positive psychology at Cambridge University stated, “the single, most potent and richest source of happiness is the breadth and depth of our relationships.” He went on to say, “humans are highly social and craved the comfort of knowing they were valued members of a group that could share experiences and emotions.”
In my work as a coach I find that the majority of dilemmas people face usually result in either a relationship or communication issue, which once resolved enables them to get back on track with their lives. The following are 6 ideas that you can utilise for yourself and your clients designed to make the most of your relationships.
1. I respect myself and I respect you
"It was much later that I realized Dad’s secret. He gained respect by giving it. He talked and listened to the fourth-grade kids in Spring Valley the same way he talked and listened to a bishop or a college president. He was seriously interested in who you were and what you had to say."
Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot, Respect
Companies now have legal responsibilities to provide workplaces free from unfair discrimination, harassment, bullying and victimization. This also extends to employees getting together down the pub after work. It seems remarkable that treating people with respect has needed to become a legal issue at work – however once we understand the significance of mutual respect then it makes sense. Respect is at the heart of winning relationships. Without it there is no trust, people don’t listen to each other, and hidden agendas prevail. Taken to extremes there can be a breakdown in law and order as being respectful is one of the biggest unwritten rules for getting along. The following model about respect demonstrates the three positions that are held within a relationship:
I+U+ stands for I respect myself and I respect you.
Examples of respectful behaviour include listening, asking questions, being encouraging, and exhibiting open body language such as eye contact and upright posture. The types of outcomes achieved as a result of having mutual respect include a willingness to work together and go the extra mile, enjoyment, satisfaction and the ability to find win/win solutions.
I+U- stands for I respect myself more than I respect you.
This position is familiar in management systems where due to the pressure put on people there is a tendency to tell others what to do without listening or asking questions – commonly known as the JFDI school of management! The trouble with this dynamic is that although is may produce short-term results it will inevitably result in long-term feelings of resentment and lack of co-operation.
I-U+ stands for I respect myself less than I respect you.
This position is very British and is often considered polite. However the reality is that nodding heads and saying ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’ ultimately results in feelings of grievance, low self-esteem and prevents people from fulfilling their potential.
Decide now to demonstrate mutual respect in all your relationships. It’s relatively straightforward when things are going well – but when your back is up against the wall and the pressure is on it’s possible to lose it. At these times think about the potential price you’ll pay for devaluing a relationship. Although you may get away with it in the short-term, long-term there will be a breakdown in communication, co-operation and a failure to get winning results.
2. Listen to understand
“Understanding provides the glue in a relationship. Without understanding problems and conflict are guaranteed”.
Do you listen to understand, or wait to talk? Although I’m sure we all like to claim to be great listeners there is often a gap between our intention and action. The trouble is that in today’s manic society we live at such a pace, with so little time and space that listening often goes straight out the window.
Listening to understand is a paradigm shift from listening to impart advice and experience. This illustrates a clear distinction between a mentoring and coaching style of working with people. A mentor acts as the human fortune cookie dispensing wisdom on tap. This can be extremely valuable however it may take away from empowering a person because it prevents them from drawing on their own inner wisdom.
The key to listening to understand is to keep checking in with the other person to test understanding. You can do this by playing back what you have heard to ensure that you are both on the same page. As the receiver it is immensely helpful to hear back what you have just said as it often sheds greater clarity simply having your words reflected back.
3. Resolve conflict
The next time you are in a conflict situation, or you witness a conflict, observe what happens. People tend to raise their voices, fingers are pointed, staring contests are held and cutting each other off in mid-sentence is rife. No wonder it’s difficult to gain any resolution when so many unhelpful behaviours are being exhibited!
It can be hard to change all those behaviours in the heat of the moment because you are trying to hold your ground. A simple way to begin to move forward though is to replace the use of ‘but’ and ‘however’ with ‘and’. This act has a magical effect because it demonstrates a more open willingness to build on what has been said rather than cutting it down. For instance imagine a conflict situation in which person ‘A’ says, “This club doesn’t do enough to retain its’ members”, and person ‘B’ responds, “I see what you’re saying but there is a shortage of resources”. Then picture the same situation with the following response, person ‘A’ says, “This club doesn’t do enough to retain its’ members”, and this time person ‘B’ responds, “I see what you’re saying and there is a shortage of resources”. Immediately you can establish a bridge of understanding by changing one word.
4. Fill up your emotional bank account
In any relationship there exists an emotional bank account in which deposits and withdrawals are made. Deposits are behaviours such as listening, asking questions, being non-judgemental and supportive, providing constructive feedback, being encouraging and showing interest. Withdrawals on the other hand are behaviours which include blame, broken commitments, unclear boundaries and telling people what to do without seeking involvement. Once the emotional bank account becomes overdrawn we hit problems because there is no more good will to cater for the inevitable give and take necessary for a healthy relationship.
I witness this issue in all sorts of relationships. For instance I recently worked with a father who was having difficulties with his nine year old daughter. He claimed that she was being uncooperative, moody and needy. When I asked him about the deposits he had recently made in the relationship he admitted that due to working long hours and being exhausted when he got home, he had given her very little attention. Another situation involved an employee feeling resentful towards their manager. When I enquired why, it transpired that the manager had not said a single word to this employee in one week – and they only sat ten feet away from each other. All ‘communication’ was done by email. As long as a relationship has an overdrawn account problems will ensue.
Take the following relationship quiz to ensure that you fill up your emotional bank accounts:
* Who could I be listening to more?
* Who could I be spending more time with?
* Who could I be more honest with?
* Who could I be acknowledging more?
Use these questions on a regular basis to ensure that you are investing wisely.
5. Celebrate diversity
“Be careful what you label people, it may just come true!”
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the entire world were just like us! We tell ourselves that relationship problems stem from differences – yet if we really lived in a world where everybody was the same it would be so dull. Where do good new ideas come from? Differences. Where does creativity come from? Differences. How does development arise? Differences.
I love the following statement about diversity from an organisation I work with who promote a diversity culture: Diversity is about respecting, valuing, caring and having a greater awareness of others. It’s about having an inclusive culture, which encourages every employee to contribute to his or her full potential. It’s about understanding and celebrating differences in culture, race, gender, disability, ethnicity, age, religion, nationality, sexual orientation, beliefs, education, experience, opinions, thinking style and class.
Naturally a learning curve is required between having diversity as a goal and achieving it but the more we focus on the benefits gained from valuing differences the easier it becomes. Think about what your life would be like without the influence of different cultures on sport, travel, food, music, literature, movies, fashion and just about anything else. Ensure that you make a point of celebrating the diversity in your world.
6. Trust
“Success is about trust. Partnership is about trust. Business is about trust. Family is about trust. Without trust what have you got? Nothing.”
Do you remember the final scene in Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail? Mr Harrison Ford has worked hard to reach the precious treasure. Unfortunately he encounters a slight problem – a large chasm blocking his progress. He turns round to his father – who just happens to be Sean Connery (some people may think that Sean is the Holy Grail!) to ask for help. He says, ‘Dad what should I do?’ Sean replies, ‘Take a step’. As Indiana takes the step a bridge appears to carry him across. In fact the bridge was there all the time he just couldn’t see it. What was required was the trust to take the step in order to reach the treasure.
How often in your life have you been faced with a situation in which your trust was the vital ingredient to making it work? Each day we trust in so many ways that we don’t even consciously think about. We trust that our heart will continue to beat. We trust that our brains will continue to think. We trust that we will wake up in the morning. Yet if you’ve ever been let down, betrayed or rejected it often breaks down the trust we have in relationships.
Learn to trust again so that you can benefit from the richness relationships have to offer. See the best in people and you will draw it out of them. Recognise that people want to help each other so request support from others. Most importantly treat others the way you would like to be treated and you will create winning relationships.
Ben Renshaw is author of five books including Successful But Something Missing and The Secrets – 100 ways to have a great relationship. He is featured regularly in the British press and was the relationship expert for C4 programme Perfect Match.
This article was published in Spring 2004 edition of FitPro magazine, article by Ben Renshaw
Some of the brightest researchers in psychology joined forces recently with one thing on their minds – the pursuit of happiness. Nick Bayliss, a lecturer in positive psychology at Cambridge University stated, “the single, most potent and richest source of happiness is the breadth and depth of our relationships.” He went on to say, “humans are highly social and craved the comfort of knowing they were valued members of a group that could share experiences and emotions.”
In my work as a coach I find that the majority of dilemmas people face usually result in either a relationship or communication issue, which once resolved enables them to get back on track with their lives. The following are 6 ideas that you can utilise for yourself and your clients designed to make the most of your relationships.
1. I respect myself and I respect you
"It was much later that I realized Dad’s secret. He gained respect by giving it. He talked and listened to the fourth-grade kids in Spring Valley the same way he talked and listened to a bishop or a college president. He was seriously interested in who you were and what you had to say."
Sara Lawrence-Lightfoot, Respect
Companies now have legal responsibilities to provide workplaces free from unfair discrimination, harassment, bullying and victimization. This also extends to employees getting together down the pub after work. It seems remarkable that treating people with respect has needed to become a legal issue at work – however once we understand the significance of mutual respect then it makes sense. Respect is at the heart of winning relationships. Without it there is no trust, people don’t listen to each other, and hidden agendas prevail. Taken to extremes there can be a breakdown in law and order as being respectful is one of the biggest unwritten rules for getting along. The following model about respect demonstrates the three positions that are held within a relationship:
I+U+ stands for I respect myself and I respect you.
Examples of respectful behaviour include listening, asking questions, being encouraging, and exhibiting open body language such as eye contact and upright posture. The types of outcomes achieved as a result of having mutual respect include a willingness to work together and go the extra mile, enjoyment, satisfaction and the ability to find win/win solutions.
I+U- stands for I respect myself more than I respect you.
This position is familiar in management systems where due to the pressure put on people there is a tendency to tell others what to do without listening or asking questions – commonly known as the JFDI school of management! The trouble with this dynamic is that although is may produce short-term results it will inevitably result in long-term feelings of resentment and lack of co-operation.
I-U+ stands for I respect myself less than I respect you.
This position is very British and is often considered polite. However the reality is that nodding heads and saying ‘yes’ when you mean ‘no’ ultimately results in feelings of grievance, low self-esteem and prevents people from fulfilling their potential.
Decide now to demonstrate mutual respect in all your relationships. It’s relatively straightforward when things are going well – but when your back is up against the wall and the pressure is on it’s possible to lose it. At these times think about the potential price you’ll pay for devaluing a relationship. Although you may get away with it in the short-term, long-term there will be a breakdown in communication, co-operation and a failure to get winning results.
2. Listen to understand
“Understanding provides the glue in a relationship. Without understanding problems and conflict are guaranteed”.
Do you listen to understand, or wait to talk? Although I’m sure we all like to claim to be great listeners there is often a gap between our intention and action. The trouble is that in today’s manic society we live at such a pace, with so little time and space that listening often goes straight out the window.
Listening to understand is a paradigm shift from listening to impart advice and experience. This illustrates a clear distinction between a mentoring and coaching style of working with people. A mentor acts as the human fortune cookie dispensing wisdom on tap. This can be extremely valuable however it may take away from empowering a person because it prevents them from drawing on their own inner wisdom.
The key to listening to understand is to keep checking in with the other person to test understanding. You can do this by playing back what you have heard to ensure that you are both on the same page. As the receiver it is immensely helpful to hear back what you have just said as it often sheds greater clarity simply having your words reflected back.
3. Resolve conflict
The next time you are in a conflict situation, or you witness a conflict, observe what happens. People tend to raise their voices, fingers are pointed, staring contests are held and cutting each other off in mid-sentence is rife. No wonder it’s difficult to gain any resolution when so many unhelpful behaviours are being exhibited!
It can be hard to change all those behaviours in the heat of the moment because you are trying to hold your ground. A simple way to begin to move forward though is to replace the use of ‘but’ and ‘however’ with ‘and’. This act has a magical effect because it demonstrates a more open willingness to build on what has been said rather than cutting it down. For instance imagine a conflict situation in which person ‘A’ says, “This club doesn’t do enough to retain its’ members”, and person ‘B’ responds, “I see what you’re saying but there is a shortage of resources”. Then picture the same situation with the following response, person ‘A’ says, “This club doesn’t do enough to retain its’ members”, and this time person ‘B’ responds, “I see what you’re saying and there is a shortage of resources”. Immediately you can establish a bridge of understanding by changing one word.
4. Fill up your emotional bank account
In any relationship there exists an emotional bank account in which deposits and withdrawals are made. Deposits are behaviours such as listening, asking questions, being non-judgemental and supportive, providing constructive feedback, being encouraging and showing interest. Withdrawals on the other hand are behaviours which include blame, broken commitments, unclear boundaries and telling people what to do without seeking involvement. Once the emotional bank account becomes overdrawn we hit problems because there is no more good will to cater for the inevitable give and take necessary for a healthy relationship.
I witness this issue in all sorts of relationships. For instance I recently worked with a father who was having difficulties with his nine year old daughter. He claimed that she was being uncooperative, moody and needy. When I asked him about the deposits he had recently made in the relationship he admitted that due to working long hours and being exhausted when he got home, he had given her very little attention. Another situation involved an employee feeling resentful towards their manager. When I enquired why, it transpired that the manager had not said a single word to this employee in one week – and they only sat ten feet away from each other. All ‘communication’ was done by email. As long as a relationship has an overdrawn account problems will ensue.
Take the following relationship quiz to ensure that you fill up your emotional bank accounts:
* Who could I be listening to more?
* Who could I be spending more time with?
* Who could I be more honest with?
* Who could I be acknowledging more?
Use these questions on a regular basis to ensure that you are investing wisely.
5. Celebrate diversity
“Be careful what you label people, it may just come true!”
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if the entire world were just like us! We tell ourselves that relationship problems stem from differences – yet if we really lived in a world where everybody was the same it would be so dull. Where do good new ideas come from? Differences. Where does creativity come from? Differences. How does development arise? Differences.
I love the following statement about diversity from an organisation I work with who promote a diversity culture: Diversity is about respecting, valuing, caring and having a greater awareness of others. It’s about having an inclusive culture, which encourages every employee to contribute to his or her full potential. It’s about understanding and celebrating differences in culture, race, gender, disability, ethnicity, age, religion, nationality, sexual orientation, beliefs, education, experience, opinions, thinking style and class.
Naturally a learning curve is required between having diversity as a goal and achieving it but the more we focus on the benefits gained from valuing differences the easier it becomes. Think about what your life would be like without the influence of different cultures on sport, travel, food, music, literature, movies, fashion and just about anything else. Ensure that you make a point of celebrating the diversity in your world.
6. Trust
“Success is about trust. Partnership is about trust. Business is about trust. Family is about trust. Without trust what have you got? Nothing.”
Do you remember the final scene in Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail? Mr Harrison Ford has worked hard to reach the precious treasure. Unfortunately he encounters a slight problem – a large chasm blocking his progress. He turns round to his father – who just happens to be Sean Connery (some people may think that Sean is the Holy Grail!) to ask for help. He says, ‘Dad what should I do?’ Sean replies, ‘Take a step’. As Indiana takes the step a bridge appears to carry him across. In fact the bridge was there all the time he just couldn’t see it. What was required was the trust to take the step in order to reach the treasure.
How often in your life have you been faced with a situation in which your trust was the vital ingredient to making it work? Each day we trust in so many ways that we don’t even consciously think about. We trust that our heart will continue to beat. We trust that our brains will continue to think. We trust that we will wake up in the morning. Yet if you’ve ever been let down, betrayed or rejected it often breaks down the trust we have in relationships.
Learn to trust again so that you can benefit from the richness relationships have to offer. See the best in people and you will draw it out of them. Recognise that people want to help each other so request support from others. Most importantly treat others the way you would like to be treated and you will create winning relationships.
Ben Renshaw is author of five books including Successful But Something Missing and The Secrets – 100 ways to have a great relationship. He is featured regularly in the British press and was the relationship expert for C4 programme Perfect Match.
This article was published in Spring 2004 edition of FitPro magazine, article by Ben Renshaw
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Life Before Death!
Life Before Death!
Death! The Grim Reaper. The Big Dipper. The Black Dog. Call it what you will, there is something pretty final about death. It takes your breath away, quite literally. It maybe, almost probably definitely, will happen to all of us, soon, one day. What then should we expect? Blackness? Doom? Nothingness? Extreme Boredom? Or, maybe, on the bright side there will be something more. When I mean more, I don’t mean to be frivolous. I’m not interested, for instance, in what will the neighbours be like, or, whether or not we can expect a free bus pass for all. No. The things that interest me are immortality, eternity, change, transform and growth. Will it happen? Where will it end?
FEAR?
Yes, certainly. I have fear. I believe Woody Allen got it just about right when he said, "It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens." This is, if I am honest, how I feel. I also embrace W.C. Fields’ comment on his tombstone, "On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia." I’ve never been to Philadelphia, but it sounds an awful lot more friendly to me than, Death! At least you can get a return ticket if you go to Philadelphia.
Yes, I think if we are all really honest, we all get a little scared of, Death! But there is another type of fear which we don’t think of. An improbable fear, maybe, but it can’t be ruled out. The type of fear I refer to is, the fear of God. Not our fear of God, but God’s fear of us. Maybe God is scared to see us too. As Winston Churchill once said, "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
ON THE PLUS SIDE
Death is a dead certainty. If you have been born, at all, in any way, no matter how small or how little you did it, you’ve let yourself in for, Death! Maybe there is a glimmer of hope in the old grim reaper, yet. Maybe death is not all bad. "On the plus side," wrote Woody Allen, "death is one of the few things that can be done as easily as lying down." This is absolutely true, death is relatively easy to do. You don’t even need to practise.
Another benefit: Johnny Carson got it right when he said, "For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." This, too, is absolutely true. When you die you are your own person. Your time is your own. "Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down," as the old saying goes. In eternity you can find time to relax. In eternity, who cares if your watch stops?
IS THERE AN AFTERLIFE?
Is there an afterlife, and, if so, can we buy shares in real estate over there? That’s a bit too cynical for me. I do think though, like the Egyptian Kings used to, it is good to be a little bit prepared. By that I don’t mean we should take with us a can opener and a night-light. Rather, we should, mentally, prepare ourselves. A razor and a screwdriver won’t really be realistic. There is no way you could get them through eternal customs. But, hope and positive expectation, maybe we could take these along with us.
And if there is an afterlife, what of reincarnation? There is so much confusion about reincarnation. Do we return as an inanimate object, such as a pillow or a toothbrush? Maybe we came back as an insect or a horse? Perhaps if we are a member of Greenpeace, we could come back as a protected species? There is confusion. I remember once asking a monk if he liked reincarnation. He replied, "it goes well with strawberries."
A DEAD END?
Life: so many questions, so little time. Death!: so many questions, so much time. To ask questions of death may lead to a dead end, but it is, nonetheless, a noble pursuit. To not ask questions would imply that we are ashamed to learn.
The best preparation for tomorrow is today. Perhaps, then, the best preparation for death is life. To die without ever having really lived, that really is a deathly thought. Maybe we should follow the words of Mark Twain, who said, "Let us endeavour so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry." Life is death’s solution. To live each day as a single life in its own right is perhaps the best way to live, and the best way to die.
If we change the way we perceive ourselves, then, maybe also we will change the way we perceive death. It was Kant, the German philosopher who said, "We see things not as they are, but as we are." If we change, death changes too. And, maybe, when all is said and done, all that death really is, is transformation and change.
Never published!, article by Robert Holden
Death! The Grim Reaper. The Big Dipper. The Black Dog. Call it what you will, there is something pretty final about death. It takes your breath away, quite literally. It maybe, almost probably definitely, will happen to all of us, soon, one day. What then should we expect? Blackness? Doom? Nothingness? Extreme Boredom? Or, maybe, on the bright side there will be something more. When I mean more, I don’t mean to be frivolous. I’m not interested, for instance, in what will the neighbours be like, or, whether or not we can expect a free bus pass for all. No. The things that interest me are immortality, eternity, change, transform and growth. Will it happen? Where will it end?
FEAR?
Yes, certainly. I have fear. I believe Woody Allen got it just about right when he said, "It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens." This is, if I am honest, how I feel. I also embrace W.C. Fields’ comment on his tombstone, "On the whole, I’d rather be in Philadelphia." I’ve never been to Philadelphia, but it sounds an awful lot more friendly to me than, Death! At least you can get a return ticket if you go to Philadelphia.
Yes, I think if we are all really honest, we all get a little scared of, Death! But there is another type of fear which we don’t think of. An improbable fear, maybe, but it can’t be ruled out. The type of fear I refer to is, the fear of God. Not our fear of God, but God’s fear of us. Maybe God is scared to see us too. As Winston Churchill once said, "I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my maker is prepared for the ordeal of meeting me is another matter."
ON THE PLUS SIDE
Death is a dead certainty. If you have been born, at all, in any way, no matter how small or how little you did it, you’ve let yourself in for, Death! Maybe there is a glimmer of hope in the old grim reaper, yet. Maybe death is not all bad. "On the plus side," wrote Woody Allen, "death is one of the few things that can be done as easily as lying down." This is absolutely true, death is relatively easy to do. You don’t even need to practise.
Another benefit: Johnny Carson got it right when he said, "For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." This, too, is absolutely true. When you die you are your own person. Your time is your own. "Death is nature’s way of telling you to slow down," as the old saying goes. In eternity you can find time to relax. In eternity, who cares if your watch stops?
IS THERE AN AFTERLIFE?
Is there an afterlife, and, if so, can we buy shares in real estate over there? That’s a bit too cynical for me. I do think though, like the Egyptian Kings used to, it is good to be a little bit prepared. By that I don’t mean we should take with us a can opener and a night-light. Rather, we should, mentally, prepare ourselves. A razor and a screwdriver won’t really be realistic. There is no way you could get them through eternal customs. But, hope and positive expectation, maybe we could take these along with us.
And if there is an afterlife, what of reincarnation? There is so much confusion about reincarnation. Do we return as an inanimate object, such as a pillow or a toothbrush? Maybe we came back as an insect or a horse? Perhaps if we are a member of Greenpeace, we could come back as a protected species? There is confusion. I remember once asking a monk if he liked reincarnation. He replied, "it goes well with strawberries."
A DEAD END?
Life: so many questions, so little time. Death!: so many questions, so much time. To ask questions of death may lead to a dead end, but it is, nonetheless, a noble pursuit. To not ask questions would imply that we are ashamed to learn.
The best preparation for tomorrow is today. Perhaps, then, the best preparation for death is life. To die without ever having really lived, that really is a deathly thought. Maybe we should follow the words of Mark Twain, who said, "Let us endeavour so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry." Life is death’s solution. To live each day as a single life in its own right is perhaps the best way to live, and the best way to die.
If we change the way we perceive ourselves, then, maybe also we will change the way we perceive death. It was Kant, the German philosopher who said, "We see things not as they are, but as we are." If we change, death changes too. And, maybe, when all is said and done, all that death really is, is transformation and change.
Never published!, article by Robert Holden
Saturday, May 9, 2009
He who is slothful in his work, is a brother to…a great destroyer.’ Proverbs 18:9 NKJV
He who is slothful in his work, is a brother to…a great destroyer.’ Proverbs 18:9 NKJV
Succeeding on the job (1) God’s interested in what you do for work; He’s also interested in how you do it. The truth is, your prospects for the future are determined by your work ethic. For the next few days let’s look at some work habits from the book of Proverbs to avoid or acquire if you want God’s blessing. Laziness. ‘I went past the field of the sluggard…the ground was covered with weeds, and the stone wall was in ruins…I…learned a lesson…A little sleep…folding of the hands…and poverty will come on you like a bandit’ (Proverbs 24:30-34 NIV). Laziness produces lack just as surely as a thief will rob you. The Bible says lazy people are: a) procrastinators. ‘A little sleep…folding of the hands.’ They say, ‘I’ll do it tomorrow,’ but tomorrow never comes b) expensive to maintain. ‘He who is slothful in his work is a brother to…a great destroyer.’ They complain, cut corners, cripple businesses and cause hardship c) quitters. They quit before the job’s finished. ‘The lazy man does not roast his game’ (Proverbs 12:27 NIV). He hunts the deer but he won’t clean it. Unfinished projects fill his life: Half-built cupboards, half-painted rooms, half-tidied garages. Sound familiar? d) masters of excuses. ‘The sluggard says, ‘There is a lion outside!’ or, ‘I will be murdered in the streets!’’ (Proverbs 22:13 NIV). When he runs out of credible excuses he goes for ridiculous ones. He ‘will not plough by reason of the cold’ (Proverbs 20:4). ‘You want me to get sick, going to work in this weather?’ Or if it’s warm, ‘It’s way too nice for work!’ Whatever your work, do it conscientiously. Don’t let laziness rob you of success.
Succeeding on the job (1) God’s interested in what you do for work; He’s also interested in how you do it. The truth is, your prospects for the future are determined by your work ethic. For the next few days let’s look at some work habits from the book of Proverbs to avoid or acquire if you want God’s blessing. Laziness. ‘I went past the field of the sluggard…the ground was covered with weeds, and the stone wall was in ruins…I…learned a lesson…A little sleep…folding of the hands…and poverty will come on you like a bandit’ (Proverbs 24:30-34 NIV). Laziness produces lack just as surely as a thief will rob you. The Bible says lazy people are: a) procrastinators. ‘A little sleep…folding of the hands.’ They say, ‘I’ll do it tomorrow,’ but tomorrow never comes b) expensive to maintain. ‘He who is slothful in his work is a brother to…a great destroyer.’ They complain, cut corners, cripple businesses and cause hardship c) quitters. They quit before the job’s finished. ‘The lazy man does not roast his game’ (Proverbs 12:27 NIV). He hunts the deer but he won’t clean it. Unfinished projects fill his life: Half-built cupboards, half-painted rooms, half-tidied garages. Sound familiar? d) masters of excuses. ‘The sluggard says, ‘There is a lion outside!’ or, ‘I will be murdered in the streets!’’ (Proverbs 22:13 NIV). When he runs out of credible excuses he goes for ridiculous ones. He ‘will not plough by reason of the cold’ (Proverbs 20:4). ‘You want me to get sick, going to work in this weather?’ Or if it’s warm, ‘It’s way too nice for work!’ Whatever your work, do it conscientiously. Don’t let laziness rob you of success.
Friday, May 8, 2009
10 Keys to Large Amounts of Happiness!
10 Keys to Large Amounts of Happiness!
1. Look for happiness!
Perception is a choice! Who is right, the cynic or the optimist? Do you think the cynic is right? Or will you vote for the optimist? The point is, the cynic and the optimist are both right! Perception is a choice. Be careful what you look for because you will find it! Perception is projection: you see what you want to see. If you are looking for one more reason why you’re in the wrong job, you’ll find it. If you’re looking for one more reason why the world is out to get you, you’ll find it. Similarly, if you look for happiness, happiness finds you.
Choose consciously what you are looking for today. You will see a difference if you are willing to see things differently. Outlook determines outcome.
2. Celebrate the "GOOD NEWS"
Judging by our day-to-day conversations with friends, family and colleagues, no one is happy, no one is successful and no one is having a good time. "How are you?" we ask, when we greet one another. The replies arrive thick and fast: "Not bad", "Not so bad", and "Not too bad". Some people, more creative, say,
"Could be better"
"Could be worse"
"Bearing up"
"Oh, so-so"
"Fair to middling"
"Hanging in there"
"Soldering on"
"Surviving"
"Can’t complain"
"Mustn’t grumble"
How about that! I call this type of inane conversation "Not-so-badder-itis". It is like a "near-life experience", as opposed to a "near-death experience", in that there is no happiness, no sadness, no commitment, no nothing. In our fast and furious world, where no one appears to have the time to engage in mindful conversations, "Not so bad" has become a learned response, a type of social shorthand. It’s quick, its easy, and we have no idea what you are talking about!
Celebrate the "good news". Sit down, right now, and make a list of ten "successes" you have had in the last week. Yes, ten! They are there if you look for them. For the next seven days, I want you to sit down each evening and make a list of 5 successes you have had for each day. Affirm and acknowledge your successes, your joy, your good fortune.
3. Remember what’s IMPORTANT!
Do you remember the Monty Python Sketch about the "Silly Olympics", called the "100 Meters Dash for People With a Poor Sense of Direction"? Well, the gun goes off, and pretty soon the athletes are running backwards, sideways and nowhere. They are running very fast, but they have no direction. This morning, your alarm clock went off, and you too started to run - it’s another busy day, auto-pilot kicks in (thank God!), and you dash from bed to bathroom, have breakfast on the run, tackle the traffic, negotiate the road-rage, and frantically you consult the personal organiser for "What first?", "What next?" and "What now?" Do you know where you are running to? Are you on track? Is there any finishing line in sight?
Decide who and what is important to you and give, wholeheartedly of your time, your energy and your attention. People get ill and unhappy because, 1) they forget what is important; 2) they know what is important but their time, energy and attention is spent elsewhere. Do not let details eclipse what is important.
Exercise: write down 10 things you love to do, and then write down next to each of these activities the date you last did it; write down 10 people that you love to spend "quality time" with, and again write down the date you last spent "quality time" with each person. Are you still on track? Have you got enough time to do this exercise?
4. What did you decide today?
Take your mind back to first thing this morning. Would you describe the way you woke up today as a beautiful performance, or, more simply, a performance! Was it peaceful, or were you in pieces? Did you rise and shine, or, rise and whine? Did you wake up fresh, or, on auto? Do you ever find that the effort of waking actually exhausts you for the rest of the day?
How did you greet this new day? Are you, for instance, the sort of person who wakes up in the morning and says, "Good morning, God", or, swears, "Good God, morning!"? Maybe you like to start the day with a smile, to get it over with! How do you prepare for each new day?
Try to recall specific decisions you made during the very first hour of today. Your first decision may have been to hit the "Snooze" button on your alarm clock! What then? A fast coffee, maybe? Hit the shower. A cigarette. A search for socks. New underwear. Yesterday’s underwear. Hurry the children along. Make-up. Breakfast on the run. Catch the news headlines Hunt for your wallet. The "find the keys" game. Walk the dog. A quick jog?
Most early morning decisions are about showers, make-up, clothes, children, food, time and transport perhaps. They are "doing decisions", as opposed to "being decisions". What I am most interested in is not your "to do" list, but your "to be" list. In other words, did you make any conscious decisions about how you wanted to be today? To put it another way, what sort of a day did you decide to have today?
Percentage wise, how much time did you spend preparing your body for today, i.e. washing, feeding and clothing, as opposed to how much time spent preparing your mind for today? What was the split? Body 95%; Mind 5%, perhaps? Body 25%; Mind 75%, perhaps? Generally speaking, how do you like to prepare yourself mentally and spiritually for each new day of your life?
Your first hour on waking is like the rudder of a ship in that it serves to steer a course for the rest of your day. More specifically, it is during this time that you make up your mind exactly what sort of a day you will have. In other words, you set your intention for the day, unconsciously and consciously. So, once again, think back to first thing this morning and ask yourself, how did you decide to be today? What sort of a day have you already decided to have?
Decision is power! Decision, above circumstance, is the key to happiness NOW. Know, therefore, that your decision counts. You really can decide what sort of a day to have today. In fact, you already have. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can happen without your decision.
5. To be or not to be?
Did anyone tell you when you were growing up, you can be what you want? Hopefully, if you were fortunate, there was at least one person in your life who encouraged you to dream, to dare and to be? The words, you can be what you want, sound so positive, hopeful and affirming. They are also a statement of truth, for they illustrate a very important principle of being. This principle is outlined in a poem of affirmation I wrote called "You Can Be What You Want!". It reads,
If you would want love, be loving.
If you would want care, be caring.
You can be what you want.
If you would want joy, be joyful.
If you would want peace, be peaceful.
You can be what you want.
If you would want happiness, be happy.
If you would want kindness, be kindly.
You can be what you want.
If you would want forgiveness, be forgiving.
If you would want acceptance, be accepting.
You can be what you want.
Being is proactive. It is literally being what you want. It is also about being first, e.g. if you want honesty, be honest first; if you want loyalty, be loyal first; if you want trust, be trusting first; if you want enthusiasm, be enthusiastic first; if you want courage, be courageous first; if you want inspiration, be a Light first! Be what you want, and stick to it! Your courage will be rewarded.
6. Work, Rest and Play!
According to the world ethic, happiness is not natural - happiness is a pay-packet you earn for putting in the hours. There are, in particular, four erroneous, fearful beliefs about happiness that help make up the work ethic, and they are,
* Happiness has to be deserved
* Happiness has to be worked for
* Happiness has to be earned
* Happiness has to be paid for
The work ethic is all about labour: birth is labour, life is labour, love is labour, happiness is labour, work is labour, death is rest. We labour, not for the joy of it, but because we have learned to believe we must. The purpose of the work ethic is to work hard so as to atone for your guilt and unworthiness and thereby "deserve happiness" once more.
"Workaholism" is endemic, and for many of us our life is governed entirely by work. Once upon a time, we worked to live; now, we live to work. Any "life" we do have is merely recovery from work. We work, recover from work, and then work again. We go to the office to work.
After work, we bring home some work with us. For rest, we go tot he gym for a work-out. Totally exhausted, we go to therapy to work through our problems - "I’ve done a lot of work on myself," we say. After all that, there’s the house-work! Finally, we hit the sack, too tired to be happy, but our mind is still working and we cannot sleep. No problem! Insomnia is a wonderful chance to get more work done!
The work ethic is motivated by the belief that anything worthwhile requires great work, effort and labour. According to the work ethic: creativity is not inspiration; it’s perspiration; love is a labour, not a joy; success is a fight, it never comes easily; health is about a "no pain, no gain" attitude; salvation is hardest of all - it is a wrestling match with the angels - just ask Jacob. Nothing comes easily according to the work ethic.
We are too busy working to be happy, to be happy. In the last ten years, the average working week has increased by over ten hours to nearly 50 hours a week; the lunch break faces extinction; 6 out of 10 men and 4 out of 10 women work Saturdays; Sundays are now a workday for many. To cap it all, when we dare leave the office at 5pm, there is always one sad, brainless colleague who shouts out, "Part timer", or, "Only doing a half day?" Guilt ensues.
As a society we spend more and more time as a human doing and less and less time as a human being. Indeed, the work ethic despises rest and play. We hardly ever go out to play anymore; instead we go for cardiovascular workouts, business lunches and corporate away days. According to the work ethic, rest is "downtime" - nothing useful is happening. Too much rest and you lose your edge!
Kick the work ethic into touch! When you are relaxed and happy, you perform brilliantly. Remember the old saying: "you do not stop playing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop playing". Work is an attitude. So too is play. Go out to play!
7. Laugh your head off!
How wonderful it is to laugh! Instinctively, we know that there is something magical, nourishing and uplifting about laughter, particularly the warm, whole-hearted laughter that arises spontaneously between friends, loved ones and even occasionally a stranger. The entertainer, Victor Borge, once commented, "laughter is the shortest distance between two people".
In September 1991, I opened the doors to Britain’s first NHS Laughter Clinic off a road in Handsworth, Birmingham where as "Life" would have it (I don’t believe in luck), there had been large-scale rioting the night before. To my astonishment and wonder we had a near full house for our first event - looking back, there was something poetic about our meeting, something so hopeful, loving and life-affirming. We were united in laughter.
Physicians, philosophers and priests of all cultures have forever acknowledged the healing properties of laughter, a happy frame of mind and a joyful heart. In the Bible, for instance, it is written, "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones" (Proverbs 17:22). I like the words, in particular of Jonathan Swift who wrote, "The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet and Doctor Merryman".
Two thoughts: 1) "The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed, 2) "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they will never cease to be amused". The greatest happiness of all is to know that happiness needs no reason. Indeed,
"Laughter needs no reason.
A smile needs no reason.
Love needs no reason.
Kindness needs no reason.
They are gifts for free -
life’s true treasures."
Can you remember a time in your life when you were happy for no reason at all? All of a sudden you were surprised by joy. It bubbled up as if from nowhere. Your smile was almost too big for your face, your heart wanted to leap out of your chest, and your whole body rung like a bell. "I’m happy!" you cried. "I wonder why?" you thought. "I must know why?" you demanded. And just then, the joy appeared to die.
Children are often happy without reason - it is a part of their charm. Often you can catch a child laughing for the fun of laughing, smiling for the sake of smiling, playing happily with happiness. It both amuses and saddens me to think that, when a child laughs for no reason at all we think it wonderful, but when an adult laughs for no reason at all we immediately fear for his or her health! The point is, who ever said happiness needs a reason?
Give up all thoughts that happiness needs a reason. Practise "unreasonable happiness." Laugh for no reason - it will entertain everyone! Smile for no reason - smiling always triggers curiosity.
8. Give What you Want!
One of the healing processes I use on my workshops that I most enjoy is called "Complementary Medicine Therapy". This process acknowledges the enormous healing potential of kind, loving and encouraging words of complement.
These are three stages to "Complementary Medicine Therapy". You might want to try each stage for yourself. The first stage is to write down five complements you would most like to receive from anybody. These complements may highlight a particular quality, talent, skill or value that is dear to you. Once written, I ask participants to repeat these complements out loud to themselves. Why? Because, often what you want to hear from others is what you are currently not saying to yourself.
Other people can complement you a thousand times over, but you will only truly hear (i.e. receive) as many complements from others as you are willing to give yourself. Thus, giving to yourself can help you to receive from others. Keep your list of complements on hand. Read them not just once, but three times a day, for seven days minimum.
The second stage of "Complementary Medicine Therapy" is to think of someone in your life who is perhaps overdue a sincere complement from you. The name or face of this person will appear almost instantly. Think carefully now what it is you would most like to complement them for. Why do this? First, because being loving is fulfilling your purpose; second, it’s great fun; third, whatever you complement in another person you are strengthening in yourself also.
Complements are affirmations. Like sacred greetings, they bless both the receiver and the giver. A good way to strengthen any joyful quality in yourself is to first spot it in others. What you spot in others, you give life to in yourself. The Buddhists refer to this practice as, sympathetic joy. The ego, born of lack, cannot afford to be this generous; but you can! Remember, giving is a gain; not a loss.
The third stage is to think of a person whom you feel is overdue in giving you a loving complement. Once again, the name or face of this person will appear almost instantly. Think for a moment, what would you most like them to say to you? Next, make contact with this person and give to them the complement you would most like to receive from them? Give what you want? Why? Because, often what you are not getting may be what you are withholding.
Other people are you! They are your mirrors! And just as it would be entirely unreasonable to stand before a mirror and demand to see something you are not presenting, so too, it is unreasonable to expect from someone something you are not willing to give. Many people have experienced great breakthroughs in their relationships (with both the living and dead) during this third stage.
9. Gratitude
For the next seven days, sit down each evening and write down ten things you are grateful for for each day. Better still, do this with your partner or a friend. Before we practise gratitude, we are in the dark and there appears to be very little to be grateful for. Once we begin, a new light dawns, sometimes a brilliant light, a light as bright as heaven itself.
To whom are you grateful to in your life? Do these people know the full extent of your gratitude? Do you realise how grateful they will be when you tell them? Gratitude is more than an attitude; gratitude is a philosophy. The philosophy of gratitude begins as a hope, grows into a belief, and, finally, becomes an absolute knowing. It is a knowing that within any given situation - peaceful or painful, beautiful or ugly - there is always a gift waiting, wanting for you to see.
If it appears you have nothing to be grateful for, it is because you are not allowing yourself to receive. Just because you do not receive does not mean there is nothing to receive. On the contrary, there is always something to receive, and so there is always a reason to be grateful. Pray, "Dear God, teach me I am worthy to receive, teach me how to receive, teach me gratitude". Gratitude is good medicine. One single serving of gratitude is often enough to open the heart, energise the body, warm the bones, make your hair curl, put a spring in your step, start you humming, and make you smile like a baby!
10. Make Happiness A Way of Travelling!
After years of studying stress, I have concluded that one of the biggest causes of stress is that we wait for happiness to happen! We think happiness is not for now; rather, we see it as a reward we work to, struggle after and suffer for in the hopes that one day it will happen. Following this erroneous train of thought, today becomes a day for well-behaved hardship, noble suffering, mild martyrdom and quiet desperation; and tomorrow, maybe, we might be happy.
Well, it’s official. The news is out: "There is no future!" Please understand, this is not a message of despair; it is simply a statement of truth. I repeat, "There is no future"! Save not, therefore, your best for the future. Do not WAIT to give your best to the next job, the next time, the next person, or, the next opportunity. Give your best NOW!
Some things never change: your greatest opportunity for happiness has been, will be, and still is, NOW! Unfortunately, you are often too busy "pasturising" and "futurising" to see that everything is here already right now. Give up the past, give up the future, and give in to happiness NOW! It really is all here. It must be, because you are here.
The one piece of good news that is true forever is, The present is here, now!
When in search of wisdom, linguists often refer to roots and connections of words from pre-historic civilisations. They explore ancient languages like Sanskrit, Aramaic and Latin, for instance, to unearth forgotten gems of wisdom. Well, much closer to home and to present time, it is helpful to note that in the English language, the word "present" has three distinct meanings: "here", "now" and "a gift".
Is this only a coincidence, or could it be that, the greatest gifts of life are always available to you here and now! The word "present" also links to "presence", "being" and "being present". Here is another clue. Give yourself to NOW! The future is not your answer - it has no true power. Now - right here - is good enough for you. All you need remember is, nothing is missing within you and nothing is missing here now.
One final thought: At the Happiness Project, we celebrate the idea of happiness as a gift in this statement:
It is because the world is so full of suffering,
that your happiness is a gift.
It is because the world is so full of poverty,
that your wealth is a gift.
It is because the world is so unfriendly,
that your smile is a gift.
It is because the world is so full of war,
that your peace of mind is a gift.
It is because the world is in such despair,
that your hope and optimism is a gift.
It is because the world is so afraid,
that your love is a gift.
Extract from Happiness NOW , article by Robert Holden
1. Look for happiness!
Perception is a choice! Who is right, the cynic or the optimist? Do you think the cynic is right? Or will you vote for the optimist? The point is, the cynic and the optimist are both right! Perception is a choice. Be careful what you look for because you will find it! Perception is projection: you see what you want to see. If you are looking for one more reason why you’re in the wrong job, you’ll find it. If you’re looking for one more reason why the world is out to get you, you’ll find it. Similarly, if you look for happiness, happiness finds you.
Choose consciously what you are looking for today. You will see a difference if you are willing to see things differently. Outlook determines outcome.
2. Celebrate the "GOOD NEWS"
Judging by our day-to-day conversations with friends, family and colleagues, no one is happy, no one is successful and no one is having a good time. "How are you?" we ask, when we greet one another. The replies arrive thick and fast: "Not bad", "Not so bad", and "Not too bad". Some people, more creative, say,
"Could be better"
"Could be worse"
"Bearing up"
"Oh, so-so"
"Fair to middling"
"Hanging in there"
"Soldering on"
"Surviving"
"Can’t complain"
"Mustn’t grumble"
How about that! I call this type of inane conversation "Not-so-badder-itis". It is like a "near-life experience", as opposed to a "near-death experience", in that there is no happiness, no sadness, no commitment, no nothing. In our fast and furious world, where no one appears to have the time to engage in mindful conversations, "Not so bad" has become a learned response, a type of social shorthand. It’s quick, its easy, and we have no idea what you are talking about!
Celebrate the "good news". Sit down, right now, and make a list of ten "successes" you have had in the last week. Yes, ten! They are there if you look for them. For the next seven days, I want you to sit down each evening and make a list of 5 successes you have had for each day. Affirm and acknowledge your successes, your joy, your good fortune.
3. Remember what’s IMPORTANT!
Do you remember the Monty Python Sketch about the "Silly Olympics", called the "100 Meters Dash for People With a Poor Sense of Direction"? Well, the gun goes off, and pretty soon the athletes are running backwards, sideways and nowhere. They are running very fast, but they have no direction. This morning, your alarm clock went off, and you too started to run - it’s another busy day, auto-pilot kicks in (thank God!), and you dash from bed to bathroom, have breakfast on the run, tackle the traffic, negotiate the road-rage, and frantically you consult the personal organiser for "What first?", "What next?" and "What now?" Do you know where you are running to? Are you on track? Is there any finishing line in sight?
Decide who and what is important to you and give, wholeheartedly of your time, your energy and your attention. People get ill and unhappy because, 1) they forget what is important; 2) they know what is important but their time, energy and attention is spent elsewhere. Do not let details eclipse what is important.
Exercise: write down 10 things you love to do, and then write down next to each of these activities the date you last did it; write down 10 people that you love to spend "quality time" with, and again write down the date you last spent "quality time" with each person. Are you still on track? Have you got enough time to do this exercise?
4. What did you decide today?
Take your mind back to first thing this morning. Would you describe the way you woke up today as a beautiful performance, or, more simply, a performance! Was it peaceful, or were you in pieces? Did you rise and shine, or, rise and whine? Did you wake up fresh, or, on auto? Do you ever find that the effort of waking actually exhausts you for the rest of the day?
How did you greet this new day? Are you, for instance, the sort of person who wakes up in the morning and says, "Good morning, God", or, swears, "Good God, morning!"? Maybe you like to start the day with a smile, to get it over with! How do you prepare for each new day?
Try to recall specific decisions you made during the very first hour of today. Your first decision may have been to hit the "Snooze" button on your alarm clock! What then? A fast coffee, maybe? Hit the shower. A cigarette. A search for socks. New underwear. Yesterday’s underwear. Hurry the children along. Make-up. Breakfast on the run. Catch the news headlines Hunt for your wallet. The "find the keys" game. Walk the dog. A quick jog?
Most early morning decisions are about showers, make-up, clothes, children, food, time and transport perhaps. They are "doing decisions", as opposed to "being decisions". What I am most interested in is not your "to do" list, but your "to be" list. In other words, did you make any conscious decisions about how you wanted to be today? To put it another way, what sort of a day did you decide to have today?
Percentage wise, how much time did you spend preparing your body for today, i.e. washing, feeding and clothing, as opposed to how much time spent preparing your mind for today? What was the split? Body 95%; Mind 5%, perhaps? Body 25%; Mind 75%, perhaps? Generally speaking, how do you like to prepare yourself mentally and spiritually for each new day of your life?
Your first hour on waking is like the rudder of a ship in that it serves to steer a course for the rest of your day. More specifically, it is during this time that you make up your mind exactly what sort of a day you will have. In other words, you set your intention for the day, unconsciously and consciously. So, once again, think back to first thing this morning and ask yourself, how did you decide to be today? What sort of a day have you already decided to have?
Decision is power! Decision, above circumstance, is the key to happiness NOW. Know, therefore, that your decision counts. You really can decide what sort of a day to have today. In fact, you already have. Nothing, absolutely nothing, can happen without your decision.
5. To be or not to be?
Did anyone tell you when you were growing up, you can be what you want? Hopefully, if you were fortunate, there was at least one person in your life who encouraged you to dream, to dare and to be? The words, you can be what you want, sound so positive, hopeful and affirming. They are also a statement of truth, for they illustrate a very important principle of being. This principle is outlined in a poem of affirmation I wrote called "You Can Be What You Want!". It reads,
If you would want love, be loving.
If you would want care, be caring.
You can be what you want.
If you would want joy, be joyful.
If you would want peace, be peaceful.
You can be what you want.
If you would want happiness, be happy.
If you would want kindness, be kindly.
You can be what you want.
If you would want forgiveness, be forgiving.
If you would want acceptance, be accepting.
You can be what you want.
Being is proactive. It is literally being what you want. It is also about being first, e.g. if you want honesty, be honest first; if you want loyalty, be loyal first; if you want trust, be trusting first; if you want enthusiasm, be enthusiastic first; if you want courage, be courageous first; if you want inspiration, be a Light first! Be what you want, and stick to it! Your courage will be rewarded.
6. Work, Rest and Play!
According to the world ethic, happiness is not natural - happiness is a pay-packet you earn for putting in the hours. There are, in particular, four erroneous, fearful beliefs about happiness that help make up the work ethic, and they are,
* Happiness has to be deserved
* Happiness has to be worked for
* Happiness has to be earned
* Happiness has to be paid for
The work ethic is all about labour: birth is labour, life is labour, love is labour, happiness is labour, work is labour, death is rest. We labour, not for the joy of it, but because we have learned to believe we must. The purpose of the work ethic is to work hard so as to atone for your guilt and unworthiness and thereby "deserve happiness" once more.
"Workaholism" is endemic, and for many of us our life is governed entirely by work. Once upon a time, we worked to live; now, we live to work. Any "life" we do have is merely recovery from work. We work, recover from work, and then work again. We go to the office to work.
After work, we bring home some work with us. For rest, we go tot he gym for a work-out. Totally exhausted, we go to therapy to work through our problems - "I’ve done a lot of work on myself," we say. After all that, there’s the house-work! Finally, we hit the sack, too tired to be happy, but our mind is still working and we cannot sleep. No problem! Insomnia is a wonderful chance to get more work done!
The work ethic is motivated by the belief that anything worthwhile requires great work, effort and labour. According to the work ethic: creativity is not inspiration; it’s perspiration; love is a labour, not a joy; success is a fight, it never comes easily; health is about a "no pain, no gain" attitude; salvation is hardest of all - it is a wrestling match with the angels - just ask Jacob. Nothing comes easily according to the work ethic.
We are too busy working to be happy, to be happy. In the last ten years, the average working week has increased by over ten hours to nearly 50 hours a week; the lunch break faces extinction; 6 out of 10 men and 4 out of 10 women work Saturdays; Sundays are now a workday for many. To cap it all, when we dare leave the office at 5pm, there is always one sad, brainless colleague who shouts out, "Part timer", or, "Only doing a half day?" Guilt ensues.
As a society we spend more and more time as a human doing and less and less time as a human being. Indeed, the work ethic despises rest and play. We hardly ever go out to play anymore; instead we go for cardiovascular workouts, business lunches and corporate away days. According to the work ethic, rest is "downtime" - nothing useful is happening. Too much rest and you lose your edge!
Kick the work ethic into touch! When you are relaxed and happy, you perform brilliantly. Remember the old saying: "you do not stop playing because you grow old, you grow old because you stop playing". Work is an attitude. So too is play. Go out to play!
7. Laugh your head off!
How wonderful it is to laugh! Instinctively, we know that there is something magical, nourishing and uplifting about laughter, particularly the warm, whole-hearted laughter that arises spontaneously between friends, loved ones and even occasionally a stranger. The entertainer, Victor Borge, once commented, "laughter is the shortest distance between two people".
In September 1991, I opened the doors to Britain’s first NHS Laughter Clinic off a road in Handsworth, Birmingham where as "Life" would have it (I don’t believe in luck), there had been large-scale rioting the night before. To my astonishment and wonder we had a near full house for our first event - looking back, there was something poetic about our meeting, something so hopeful, loving and life-affirming. We were united in laughter.
Physicians, philosophers and priests of all cultures have forever acknowledged the healing properties of laughter, a happy frame of mind and a joyful heart. In the Bible, for instance, it is written, "A merry heart doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones" (Proverbs 17:22). I like the words, in particular of Jonathan Swift who wrote, "The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet and Doctor Merryman".
Two thoughts: 1) "The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed, 2) "Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they will never cease to be amused". The greatest happiness of all is to know that happiness needs no reason. Indeed,
"Laughter needs no reason.
A smile needs no reason.
Love needs no reason.
Kindness needs no reason.
They are gifts for free -
life’s true treasures."
Can you remember a time in your life when you were happy for no reason at all? All of a sudden you were surprised by joy. It bubbled up as if from nowhere. Your smile was almost too big for your face, your heart wanted to leap out of your chest, and your whole body rung like a bell. "I’m happy!" you cried. "I wonder why?" you thought. "I must know why?" you demanded. And just then, the joy appeared to die.
Children are often happy without reason - it is a part of their charm. Often you can catch a child laughing for the fun of laughing, smiling for the sake of smiling, playing happily with happiness. It both amuses and saddens me to think that, when a child laughs for no reason at all we think it wonderful, but when an adult laughs for no reason at all we immediately fear for his or her health! The point is, who ever said happiness needs a reason?
Give up all thoughts that happiness needs a reason. Practise "unreasonable happiness." Laugh for no reason - it will entertain everyone! Smile for no reason - smiling always triggers curiosity.
8. Give What you Want!
One of the healing processes I use on my workshops that I most enjoy is called "Complementary Medicine Therapy". This process acknowledges the enormous healing potential of kind, loving and encouraging words of complement.
These are three stages to "Complementary Medicine Therapy". You might want to try each stage for yourself. The first stage is to write down five complements you would most like to receive from anybody. These complements may highlight a particular quality, talent, skill or value that is dear to you. Once written, I ask participants to repeat these complements out loud to themselves. Why? Because, often what you want to hear from others is what you are currently not saying to yourself.
Other people can complement you a thousand times over, but you will only truly hear (i.e. receive) as many complements from others as you are willing to give yourself. Thus, giving to yourself can help you to receive from others. Keep your list of complements on hand. Read them not just once, but three times a day, for seven days minimum.
The second stage of "Complementary Medicine Therapy" is to think of someone in your life who is perhaps overdue a sincere complement from you. The name or face of this person will appear almost instantly. Think carefully now what it is you would most like to complement them for. Why do this? First, because being loving is fulfilling your purpose; second, it’s great fun; third, whatever you complement in another person you are strengthening in yourself also.
Complements are affirmations. Like sacred greetings, they bless both the receiver and the giver. A good way to strengthen any joyful quality in yourself is to first spot it in others. What you spot in others, you give life to in yourself. The Buddhists refer to this practice as, sympathetic joy. The ego, born of lack, cannot afford to be this generous; but you can! Remember, giving is a gain; not a loss.
The third stage is to think of a person whom you feel is overdue in giving you a loving complement. Once again, the name or face of this person will appear almost instantly. Think for a moment, what would you most like them to say to you? Next, make contact with this person and give to them the complement you would most like to receive from them? Give what you want? Why? Because, often what you are not getting may be what you are withholding.
Other people are you! They are your mirrors! And just as it would be entirely unreasonable to stand before a mirror and demand to see something you are not presenting, so too, it is unreasonable to expect from someone something you are not willing to give. Many people have experienced great breakthroughs in their relationships (with both the living and dead) during this third stage.
9. Gratitude
For the next seven days, sit down each evening and write down ten things you are grateful for for each day. Better still, do this with your partner or a friend. Before we practise gratitude, we are in the dark and there appears to be very little to be grateful for. Once we begin, a new light dawns, sometimes a brilliant light, a light as bright as heaven itself.
To whom are you grateful to in your life? Do these people know the full extent of your gratitude? Do you realise how grateful they will be when you tell them? Gratitude is more than an attitude; gratitude is a philosophy. The philosophy of gratitude begins as a hope, grows into a belief, and, finally, becomes an absolute knowing. It is a knowing that within any given situation - peaceful or painful, beautiful or ugly - there is always a gift waiting, wanting for you to see.
If it appears you have nothing to be grateful for, it is because you are not allowing yourself to receive. Just because you do not receive does not mean there is nothing to receive. On the contrary, there is always something to receive, and so there is always a reason to be grateful. Pray, "Dear God, teach me I am worthy to receive, teach me how to receive, teach me gratitude". Gratitude is good medicine. One single serving of gratitude is often enough to open the heart, energise the body, warm the bones, make your hair curl, put a spring in your step, start you humming, and make you smile like a baby!
10. Make Happiness A Way of Travelling!
After years of studying stress, I have concluded that one of the biggest causes of stress is that we wait for happiness to happen! We think happiness is not for now; rather, we see it as a reward we work to, struggle after and suffer for in the hopes that one day it will happen. Following this erroneous train of thought, today becomes a day for well-behaved hardship, noble suffering, mild martyrdom and quiet desperation; and tomorrow, maybe, we might be happy.
Well, it’s official. The news is out: "There is no future!" Please understand, this is not a message of despair; it is simply a statement of truth. I repeat, "There is no future"! Save not, therefore, your best for the future. Do not WAIT to give your best to the next job, the next time, the next person, or, the next opportunity. Give your best NOW!
Some things never change: your greatest opportunity for happiness has been, will be, and still is, NOW! Unfortunately, you are often too busy "pasturising" and "futurising" to see that everything is here already right now. Give up the past, give up the future, and give in to happiness NOW! It really is all here. It must be, because you are here.
The one piece of good news that is true forever is, The present is here, now!
When in search of wisdom, linguists often refer to roots and connections of words from pre-historic civilisations. They explore ancient languages like Sanskrit, Aramaic and Latin, for instance, to unearth forgotten gems of wisdom. Well, much closer to home and to present time, it is helpful to note that in the English language, the word "present" has three distinct meanings: "here", "now" and "a gift".
Is this only a coincidence, or could it be that, the greatest gifts of life are always available to you here and now! The word "present" also links to "presence", "being" and "being present". Here is another clue. Give yourself to NOW! The future is not your answer - it has no true power. Now - right here - is good enough for you. All you need remember is, nothing is missing within you and nothing is missing here now.
One final thought: At the Happiness Project, we celebrate the idea of happiness as a gift in this statement:
It is because the world is so full of suffering,
that your happiness is a gift.
It is because the world is so full of poverty,
that your wealth is a gift.
It is because the world is so unfriendly,
that your smile is a gift.
It is because the world is so full of war,
that your peace of mind is a gift.
It is because the world is in such despair,
that your hope and optimism is a gift.
It is because the world is so afraid,
that your love is a gift.
Extract from Happiness NOW , article by Robert Holden
Thursday, May 7, 2009
A Parable of a Child
A Parable of a Child
By Steve Goodier
http://LifeSupportSystem.com
"There is a difference between education and experience. Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it!
But isn't it true that great learning comes from both education and experience? Let me tell you a parable:
A young school teacher had a dream that an angel appeared to him and said, "You will be given a child who will grow up to become a world leader. How will you prepare her so that she will realize her intelligence, grow in confidence, develop both her assertiveness and sensitivity, be open-minded, yet strong in character? In short, what kind of education will you provide that she can become one of the world's truly GREAT leaders?"
The young teacher awoke in a cold sweat. It had never occurred to him before—any ONE of his present or future students could be the person described in his dream. Was he preparing them to rise to ANY POSITION to which they may aspire? He thought, 'How might my teaching change if I KNEW that one of my students were this person?' He gradually began to formulate a plan in his mind.
This student would need experience as well as instruction. She would need to know how to solve problems of various kinds. She would need to grow in character as well as knowledge. She would need self-assurance as well as the ability to listen well and work with others. She would need to understand and appreciate the past, yet feel optimistic about the future. She would need to know the value of lifelong learning in order to keep a curious and active mind. She would need to grow in understanding of others and become a student of the spirit. She would need to set high standards for herself and learn self discipline, yet she would also need love and encouragement, that she might be filled with love and goodness.
His teaching changed. Every young person who walked through his classroom became, for him, a future world leader. He saw each one, not as they were, but as they could be. He expected the best from his students, yet tempered it with compassion. He taught each one as if the future of the world depended on his instruction.
After many years, a woman he knew rose to a position of world prominence. He realized that she must surely have been the girl described in his dream. Only she was not one of his students, but rather his daughter. For of all the various teachers in her life, her father was the best.
I've heard it said that "Children are living messages we send to a time and place we will never see." But this isn't simply a parable about an unnamed school teacher. It is a parable about you and me -- whether or not we are parents or even teachers. And the story, OUR story, actually begins like this:
"You will be given a child who will grow up to become...." You finish the sentence. If not a world leader, then a superb father? An excellent teacher? A gifted healer? An innovative problem solver? An inspiring artist? A generous philanthropist?
Where and how you will encounter this child is a mystery. But believe that one child's future may depend upon influence only you can provide, and something remarkable will happen. For no young person will ever be ordinary to you again. And you will never be the same.
© Steve Goodier
About the Author: Steve Goodier is a newspaper columnist and author of numerous books on personal development. Visit his site for more information, free eBooks or to sign up for his ezine newsletter of Life, Love and Laughter at http://LifeSupportSystem.com
By Steve Goodier
http://LifeSupportSystem.com
"There is a difference between education and experience. Education is what you get from reading the small print. Experience is what you get from not reading it!
But isn't it true that great learning comes from both education and experience? Let me tell you a parable:
A young school teacher had a dream that an angel appeared to him and said, "You will be given a child who will grow up to become a world leader. How will you prepare her so that she will realize her intelligence, grow in confidence, develop both her assertiveness and sensitivity, be open-minded, yet strong in character? In short, what kind of education will you provide that she can become one of the world's truly GREAT leaders?"
The young teacher awoke in a cold sweat. It had never occurred to him before—any ONE of his present or future students could be the person described in his dream. Was he preparing them to rise to ANY POSITION to which they may aspire? He thought, 'How might my teaching change if I KNEW that one of my students were this person?' He gradually began to formulate a plan in his mind.
This student would need experience as well as instruction. She would need to know how to solve problems of various kinds. She would need to grow in character as well as knowledge. She would need self-assurance as well as the ability to listen well and work with others. She would need to understand and appreciate the past, yet feel optimistic about the future. She would need to know the value of lifelong learning in order to keep a curious and active mind. She would need to grow in understanding of others and become a student of the spirit. She would need to set high standards for herself and learn self discipline, yet she would also need love and encouragement, that she might be filled with love and goodness.
His teaching changed. Every young person who walked through his classroom became, for him, a future world leader. He saw each one, not as they were, but as they could be. He expected the best from his students, yet tempered it with compassion. He taught each one as if the future of the world depended on his instruction.
After many years, a woman he knew rose to a position of world prominence. He realized that she must surely have been the girl described in his dream. Only she was not one of his students, but rather his daughter. For of all the various teachers in her life, her father was the best.
I've heard it said that "Children are living messages we send to a time and place we will never see." But this isn't simply a parable about an unnamed school teacher. It is a parable about you and me -- whether or not we are parents or even teachers. And the story, OUR story, actually begins like this:
"You will be given a child who will grow up to become...." You finish the sentence. If not a world leader, then a superb father? An excellent teacher? A gifted healer? An innovative problem solver? An inspiring artist? A generous philanthropist?
Where and how you will encounter this child is a mystery. But believe that one child's future may depend upon influence only you can provide, and something remarkable will happen. For no young person will ever be ordinary to you again. And you will never be the same.
© Steve Goodier
About the Author: Steve Goodier is a newspaper columnist and author of numerous books on personal development. Visit his site for more information, free eBooks or to sign up for his ezine newsletter of Life, Love and Laughter at http://LifeSupportSystem.com
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I'm in Control
I'm in Control
31 Jan 2006
“I’m in control, I’m in control,” John cried out to himself as he grabbed the worn, mottled brown leather cover on the steering wheel of his 1995 Honda Accord. Two years had passed since the dreadful automobile accident which killed both his mother, Crystal, and his father James. On this dreadful day, both were celebrating, simultaneously, their forty-fifth birthdays and their twentieth wedding anniversary. Yes indeed. Both Crystal and James Boyce were born April 1, 1955 and were married exactly twenty-five years later to the day. How tragic an event and how cruel in its irony: for not only did both parents share the same birthday—and "death-day"—but both would die on the anniversary of their wedding day.
The day was April 1, 2000. A cool day for early spring. On this day, no sunshine appeared from above—literally and figuratively. The misty rain had spread its tentacles, touching and wetting everything, particularly the surfaces of the winding country roads that led from the Boyce’s log cabin to town. In preparation for their evening celebration of their special day, Crystal and James planned a quick jaunt to town to buy each other presents. This was the usual custom, as every year they would each buy the other a thoughtful gift or two to commemorate their blessed wedding anniversary. To both, it seemed only yesterday when they had taken their conjugal vows; for though their marriage was tested beyond measure, yet did their union still stand strong: so blessed was the enduring bond that formed between them, so blissful was the state to which their marriage had grown.
As they mounted into their car and drove leisurely off to town, no one could have predicted that within fifteen minutes their life on this earth would end. Yet it would. A milk truck collided headfirst with their car. The driver of the truck was making a delivery to Harry’s Convenience Store, the local standby for the town of Creek Mills. According to police reports, the driver was reaching for his blood pressure pills, which were in the glove compartment. On a previous delivery, the driver had kept his door open to write up a bill, and as a result, the wind-swept rain wet the steering wheel. As he reached for the pills, the steering wheel slipped through his hands and the driver found himself in the other lane of the sharply curving country road. It was over in seconds. The crash could be heard a quarter mile away. Crystal and James were dead instantly, and their only son John was left to fend for himself.
John was having difficulty adjusting. He was having control issues. Control issues over his life, over his job, over his relationship with God. As he contemplated these issues, he sought to gain control over the steering wheel. John knew quite well the road he was on. Yes. The same road on which his beloved parents were killed only two years prior. Cold drops of sweat eagerly broke out on his forehead as he attempted to negotiate the turn he was in. Though the still voice whispered, “I am in control, you must trust Me,”it was as though John deliberately muted such inner murmurings. Yes, it was hard to have suffered such a loss, but far worse to have lost faith in God. This was the chief battle that was raging inside of John. And as he cornered that turn on that fateful road, he grabbed the wheel with conviction, he asserted he was in control...but alas...
31 Jan 2006
“I’m in control, I’m in control,” John cried out to himself as he grabbed the worn, mottled brown leather cover on the steering wheel of his 1995 Honda Accord. Two years had passed since the dreadful automobile accident which killed both his mother, Crystal, and his father James. On this dreadful day, both were celebrating, simultaneously, their forty-fifth birthdays and their twentieth wedding anniversary. Yes indeed. Both Crystal and James Boyce were born April 1, 1955 and were married exactly twenty-five years later to the day. How tragic an event and how cruel in its irony: for not only did both parents share the same birthday—and "death-day"—but both would die on the anniversary of their wedding day.
The day was April 1, 2000. A cool day for early spring. On this day, no sunshine appeared from above—literally and figuratively. The misty rain had spread its tentacles, touching and wetting everything, particularly the surfaces of the winding country roads that led from the Boyce’s log cabin to town. In preparation for their evening celebration of their special day, Crystal and James planned a quick jaunt to town to buy each other presents. This was the usual custom, as every year they would each buy the other a thoughtful gift or two to commemorate their blessed wedding anniversary. To both, it seemed only yesterday when they had taken their conjugal vows; for though their marriage was tested beyond measure, yet did their union still stand strong: so blessed was the enduring bond that formed between them, so blissful was the state to which their marriage had grown.
As they mounted into their car and drove leisurely off to town, no one could have predicted that within fifteen minutes their life on this earth would end. Yet it would. A milk truck collided headfirst with their car. The driver of the truck was making a delivery to Harry’s Convenience Store, the local standby for the town of Creek Mills. According to police reports, the driver was reaching for his blood pressure pills, which were in the glove compartment. On a previous delivery, the driver had kept his door open to write up a bill, and as a result, the wind-swept rain wet the steering wheel. As he reached for the pills, the steering wheel slipped through his hands and the driver found himself in the other lane of the sharply curving country road. It was over in seconds. The crash could be heard a quarter mile away. Crystal and James were dead instantly, and their only son John was left to fend for himself.
John was having difficulty adjusting. He was having control issues. Control issues over his life, over his job, over his relationship with God. As he contemplated these issues, he sought to gain control over the steering wheel. John knew quite well the road he was on. Yes. The same road on which his beloved parents were killed only two years prior. Cold drops of sweat eagerly broke out on his forehead as he attempted to negotiate the turn he was in. Though the still voice whispered, “I am in control, you must trust Me,”it was as though John deliberately muted such inner murmurings. Yes, it was hard to have suffered such a loss, but far worse to have lost faith in God. This was the chief battle that was raging inside of John. And as he cornered that turn on that fateful road, he grabbed the wheel with conviction, he asserted he was in control...but alas...
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Weaving the Brokenness
Weaving the Brokenness
By Linda Joy Myers, Ph. D
http://www.memoriesandmemoirs.com
My daughter puts her arms around me, her brown eyes soft and beckoning. Her rounded belly and motherly curves rest against me, and for a moment I choke up. She is pregnant with a girl baby whose middle name will be Joy like mine. She will be my first grand-daughter, and my second grandchild.
I was named Joy by my great-grandmother, Blanche, the mother of my grandmother Lulu, who spent much of her childhood living with Blanche’s mother. When Lulu was a young woman, she abandoned her daughter Josephine. Josephine abandoned me when I was four years old, leaving me with her mother. What a heritage!
When I look at my daughter, I see the images of my foremothers in my mind—my beautiful but insensitive mother, my intelligent, breaking-the-rules grandmother. I remember their terrible fights and broken dishes that went flying when my mother came to visit, and I think of my grandmother’s deathbed, where there was no forgiveness between them. I think of how my mother didn’t want anyone to know she had a child, and how I tried to win her love until she died.
I was able to break the chains of abandonment, but I still carry within me the memories of these passionate but disturbed women whose genes I carry. I am the last remaining witness to know and remember this heritage. We are the first mother-daughter generation to hug, kiss, talk over our disagreements, apologize, forgive, and have a loving relationship. For this I give thanks every day.
My grandmother and mother didn’t want grandchildren either. My children were not welcomed, and my mother made it clear the few times she saw my children, they were to keep their identity a secret too. Her passing on the poison to my children woke me up to how cruel and heartless she was. Over the years, I had adjusted to her rejection of me, but when I saw her teach my children not to call her grandmother, and to lie to the people at her apartment about their identity, I snapped. I never tried to get her to accept us again after that. I had to accept that she never would.
This was another pattern. When my grandmother received the telegram announcing my birth, she threw it aside saying, "So the brat is born." Later, she took me in and raised me, but the feeling that I was living on the edge of societal and familial acceptance settled deep into my bones.
My story is only one such story about this topic—mother-child abandonment. There are many thousands of such stories in the world, people who were abandoned as children. On my book tour for Don’t Call Me Mother—Breaking the Chain of Mother-Daughter Abandonment, people listen with tears in their eyes as I read about the loss and loneliness that I felt as a child, and they cheer me on as I read how I fought to find myself and create a better life. When they come to me afterward to tell me how I have told a part of their story, I understand the tears are for their own childhood losses that are being healed by hearing another’s story. It is gratifying to see that I can use the painful parts of my life to give others hope about creating lives of meaning and joy despite deep early wounds.
If you recognize your story in mine, here are a few healing suggestions
Healing Abandonment
1. Remind yourself of these things:
a. It was not your fault
b. You were not a bad child
c. Your mother may not have realized how deeply this affected you
d. You deserve love
2. Create joy and beauty in your life now.
a. Gather supportive friends and loved ones around you
b. Feed yourself good food, and treat your body well
c. Give yourself birthday parties and moments of celebration
d. Create your own family, whether it is your own children or friends whom you adopt as your new family
e. Appreciate each day as it unfolds
3. Find the help you need to heal your wounds
a. Find a therapist who believes that the past affects the present and can help you work through it
b. Write your story—from your point of view all the way through
c. Illustrate your story with family photos
d. After you write your story, write the story of your mother’s life. Research her life as best you can. Illustrate it with photos.
4. Use visualization, meditation, and prayer to get in touch with the life you want to live, and the blessings of your life
a. Meditate in quiet surroundings each day for at least 10 minutes
b. Read books that inspire you to love and accept yourself
c. Share with others your healing story
© Linda Joy Myers, Ph. D.
About the Author: Linda Joy Myers, Ph. D., prize winning author of Becoming Whole: Writing Your Healing Story, is a Marriage and Family therapist and teaches memoir-as-healing workshops in the San Francisco Bay Area and nationally. Linda’s work has been praised by reviewers, healers, and radio and television interviewers. You can visit her web site at: http://www.memoriesandmemoirs.com/
By Linda Joy Myers, Ph. D
http://www.memoriesandmemoirs.com
My daughter puts her arms around me, her brown eyes soft and beckoning. Her rounded belly and motherly curves rest against me, and for a moment I choke up. She is pregnant with a girl baby whose middle name will be Joy like mine. She will be my first grand-daughter, and my second grandchild.
I was named Joy by my great-grandmother, Blanche, the mother of my grandmother Lulu, who spent much of her childhood living with Blanche’s mother. When Lulu was a young woman, she abandoned her daughter Josephine. Josephine abandoned me when I was four years old, leaving me with her mother. What a heritage!
When I look at my daughter, I see the images of my foremothers in my mind—my beautiful but insensitive mother, my intelligent, breaking-the-rules grandmother. I remember their terrible fights and broken dishes that went flying when my mother came to visit, and I think of my grandmother’s deathbed, where there was no forgiveness between them. I think of how my mother didn’t want anyone to know she had a child, and how I tried to win her love until she died.
I was able to break the chains of abandonment, but I still carry within me the memories of these passionate but disturbed women whose genes I carry. I am the last remaining witness to know and remember this heritage. We are the first mother-daughter generation to hug, kiss, talk over our disagreements, apologize, forgive, and have a loving relationship. For this I give thanks every day.
My grandmother and mother didn’t want grandchildren either. My children were not welcomed, and my mother made it clear the few times she saw my children, they were to keep their identity a secret too. Her passing on the poison to my children woke me up to how cruel and heartless she was. Over the years, I had adjusted to her rejection of me, but when I saw her teach my children not to call her grandmother, and to lie to the people at her apartment about their identity, I snapped. I never tried to get her to accept us again after that. I had to accept that she never would.
This was another pattern. When my grandmother received the telegram announcing my birth, she threw it aside saying, "So the brat is born." Later, she took me in and raised me, but the feeling that I was living on the edge of societal and familial acceptance settled deep into my bones.
My story is only one such story about this topic—mother-child abandonment. There are many thousands of such stories in the world, people who were abandoned as children. On my book tour for Don’t Call Me Mother—Breaking the Chain of Mother-Daughter Abandonment, people listen with tears in their eyes as I read about the loss and loneliness that I felt as a child, and they cheer me on as I read how I fought to find myself and create a better life. When they come to me afterward to tell me how I have told a part of their story, I understand the tears are for their own childhood losses that are being healed by hearing another’s story. It is gratifying to see that I can use the painful parts of my life to give others hope about creating lives of meaning and joy despite deep early wounds.
If you recognize your story in mine, here are a few healing suggestions
Healing Abandonment
1. Remind yourself of these things:
a. It was not your fault
b. You were not a bad child
c. Your mother may not have realized how deeply this affected you
d. You deserve love
2. Create joy and beauty in your life now.
a. Gather supportive friends and loved ones around you
b. Feed yourself good food, and treat your body well
c. Give yourself birthday parties and moments of celebration
d. Create your own family, whether it is your own children or friends whom you adopt as your new family
e. Appreciate each day as it unfolds
3. Find the help you need to heal your wounds
a. Find a therapist who believes that the past affects the present and can help you work through it
b. Write your story—from your point of view all the way through
c. Illustrate your story with family photos
d. After you write your story, write the story of your mother’s life. Research her life as best you can. Illustrate it with photos.
4. Use visualization, meditation, and prayer to get in touch with the life you want to live, and the blessings of your life
a. Meditate in quiet surroundings each day for at least 10 minutes
b. Read books that inspire you to love and accept yourself
c. Share with others your healing story
© Linda Joy Myers, Ph. D.
About the Author: Linda Joy Myers, Ph. D., prize winning author of Becoming Whole: Writing Your Healing Story, is a Marriage and Family therapist and teaches memoir-as-healing workshops in the San Francisco Bay Area and nationally. Linda’s work has been praised by reviewers, healers, and radio and television interviewers. You can visit her web site at: http://www.memoriesandmemoirs.com/
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